VERDAD DE LOS CUADROS FROM PAGE 6

Elige solo aquellas que demuestren ser susceptibles a tus encantos./ I better learn how to handle difficult people because there´s always at least one during your day. Unless I figure out how to turn them around, they are going to end up making me miserable./ Concéntrate en ser un experto en tu área./ Have you ever been the bearer of bad tidings? Did the recipient of the bad new dump his displeasure on you, even if you had nothing to do with causing it? Would you like to know to prevent this? Adopt the "Why are you taking it out on me?" posture. Shrug your shoulders, put both palms up and out in a "Why me? gesture, and say plaintively, "Hey, don´t shoot the messenger."/ Acércate a tu objetivo con una idea que parezca lo suficientemente ordinaria -un trato, una intriga financiera. La mente de la víctima se distrae, sus sospechas se ven tranquilizadas. Es ahí cuando suavemente lo guías al segundo sendero, la pendiente resbalosa por la cual se desliza sin remedio hacia la trampa que tu le has colocado./ Es mucho mejor que tu mismo seas el espía, aparece como un amigo mientras recabas información en secreto./ The secret is not to buy into others´ off-base remarks and not to give them an opportunity to follow up the first comment with a second. Simply respond with poise and then move the conversation to something else./ Si no quieres tus cosas, si no las cuidas alguien más las va a querer./ Manipulator Tool #6: Our Desire To Be Liked: "I thought you were a real player. So did everybody else. This is going to be a real dissapointment if you don´t come through for us. Come on, nobody likes it when a person backs out... this can be your chance to prove what you´re made of." / Cuando sus hombres son competentes y fieles, consideramos que el señor es un sabio, porque ha tenido el talento de medir su capacidad y conservar su fidelidad./ Haz parecer que nada te cuesta esfuerzo. Es mejor que se maravillen de la gracia con la que has conseguido tus logros./ Anger is one letter short of danger./ It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job./ Todo debe recordar a tu víctima de tu presencia, para que cuando elijas alejarte, tu víctima siempre esté pensando en ti, para que siempre te esté viendo con el ojo d su mente. Recuerda: al principio no te hagas el escaso, sino el omnipresente. Solo lo que es visto, apreciado y amado será extrañado en su ausencia./ From now on, the goal is to think before you speak./ Pero si tu jefe está firme en su posición, aunque tu sepas que eres más capaz, espera tu oportunidad y se paciente./ Los grandes cortesanos a través de la historia han dominado la ciencia de manipular a la gente. Hacen que el rey se sienta más rey./ Si no has llegado al nivel de encumbrado, la ausencia es peligrosa -en vez de avivar las llamas las extinguirás. Igual pasa en el amor y en la seducción, la ausencia solo es efectiva cuando has rodeado a la víctima con tu imagen, cuando has sido visto por tu víctima en todos lados./ La sabiduría de los autores del conocimiento del pasado puede ser tu sabiduría, su habilidad puede ser tu habilidad y nunca te vendrán a reprochar qeu poco original eres./ Tienen que ver con elecciones y prioridades, las decisiones que tomas acerca de cómo vivir tu vida. La mayoría de los "no puedo" son una mentira. Es la manera como te hablas para no aceptar la responsabilidad de tus decisiones. Es una técnica de lenguaje para mantener los problemas de lejos de ti, allá afuera están a una distancia segura. Es una forma de evadir tu participación en el asunto./ No más pensamientos negativos./ Los grandes cortesanos son imanes de placer- la gente quiere estar con ellos porque saben como agradar, sin embargo no adulan ni se humillan./ Un acto de amabilidad, generosidad o sinceridad es frecuentemente la más poderosa forma de distracción porque desarma las sospechas de la otra persona. Los convierte en niños deleitándose en cualquier tipo de gesto afectuoso./ Hay mucho que aprender de los grandes cortesanos del pasado y del presente./ If someone hurts you, that doesn´t make it right to hurt them back. Doing so will only make both of you unhappy./ Mientras te encuentras ausente, la imaginación de tu pareja vuela y una imaginación estimulada no tiene más remedio que hacer que el amor sea más fuerte./ Date cuenta que en tu lucha por el poder causarás rivalidades y crearás enemigos. Habrá personas a las cuales no te podrás ganar, que seguirán siendo tus enemigos sin importar nada. No tomes su odio de forma personal. Solo reconoce que no hay posibilidades de paz entre ustedes, especialmente mientras permanezcas en el poder. Mientras los dejes merodear a tu alrededor buscarán la venganza./ No hay ocasión que no sea una oportunidad para espiar con astucia./ Las palabras tienen la insidiosa habilidad de ser interpretadas de acuerdo al humor e inseguridades de la otra persona./ Mientras más aliados tengas, más serán tus posibilidades de alcanzar resultados positivos./ Estudia y espía a tu oponente por el tiempo que sea necesario, valdrá la pena a la larga./ Finge también interés por un engañoso objeto de deseo: Aparenta querer algo en lo que en realidad no estás interesado en lo más mínimo y tus enemigos se verán engañados, lo que los llevará a cometer errores de cálculo./ El éxito no es magia, es simplemente aprender a como y en que enfocarse./ Una de las armas más poderosas en la batalla por la información es dar información falsa./ La gente compra en ciclos y tu necesitas conocer esos ciclos. Pregúntale a tus clientes cuando debes de contactarlos para efectuar una reorden./ Estos monarcas nuevos no saben gobernar y su posición es muy vulnerable, a no se que en la naturaleza del nuevo príncipe exista una virtud tan grande que se les dé el entendimiento de cómo conservar lo que la fortuna le ha dado./ Siente el propósito en tu vida. Persevera a pesar de todo./ El éxito requiere esfuerzo y actividad consistente y concentrada. La flojera no es parte de la ecuación./ Ten cuidado de compromisos emocionales en una relación de negocios. No importa si tu socio prospecto es muy agradable, todo ponlo por escrito./ Sólo los terminantemente subordinados actúan prediciblemente./ Si ya estás establecido en un grupo, el retiro temporal hará que se hable de ti, aún más admirado./ Sin enemigos alrededor nuestro, nos volvemos flojos. Un enemigo que nos esté mordiendo los talones nos despierta la inteligencia, nos mantiene concentrados y alerta./ Crea un plan de acción para tus días, controla tus días desde el inicio, temprano, esto te dará una gran confianza y lograrás hacer más cosas./ Algunas personas necesitan oportunidades para mostrar su buen corazón en público. Lo cual es otra de las caras del interés propio. Dales la oportunidad y explota su debilidad./ Cuando el trabajo le gana la batalla a tu familia, tus seres queridos se alejan de ti./ No alientes al enemigo vencido y humillado porque está resentido y algún día buscará acabarte./ Hazte el tonto para atrapar al tonto, aparenta ser más tonto que tu objetivo./ Si temes a la pobreza, aprende todo acerca del dinero y como trabaja. Ahorra lo que ganas./ Las apariencias son lo que cuenta./ The virtues, like the Muses, are always seen in groups. A good principle was never found solitary in any breast./ Si vivieras tu vida otra vez, ¿qué harías? Viajarías más, pasarías más tiempo con tu familia y te divertirías más./ I don´t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well./ A veces es mejor dejar que tus enemigos se destruyan solos, si es posible, que hacerlos sufrir por tu mano./ Entiende las necesidades de las personas para que las puedas controlar./ Hay ocasiones cuando la más grande sabiduría consiste en aparentar que no sabes -no debes de ser ignorante pero debes de ser capaz de aparentarlo./ Si descubres algo que mejora tu vida, continúa haciéndolo. La recompensa es mayor que las incomodidades de al principio. Continúa haciéndolo hasta que tu nuevo hábito se vuelva parte de tu comportamiento./ Pide renegociar deudas, hipotecas, compromisos, te puedes ahorrar mucho dinero solo al pedir una renegociación./ Es más sabio ser respetuoso y amable para que los demás se sientan complacidos y te tengan confianza. Hazlos sentir importantes./ La verdad es preciosa./ La treta de hacerse el tonto también es útil si eres ambicioso pero todavía te encuentras en un nivel bajo dentro de la jerarquía./ El Príncipe debe procurar evitar todo aquello que pudiera convertirlo en un ser despreciable u odioso, si así lo hace habrá cumplido con su función de Príncipe y sus otros vicios no le serán perjudiciales./ Entre más estés en contacto con otros, con más confianza y gracia te desenvolverás. El aislamiento por otro lado, engendra torpeza en tus gestos y lleva a un mayor aislamiento, porque la gente empieza a evitarte./ Toma en consideración alternativas antes de estar desesperado./ Al desestabilizar a tu oponente de una forma tan profunda, el caerá al piso sin necesidad de ser empujado./ Es mejor ser impetuoso que circunspecto, porque la fortuna es mujer y para corregirla y dominarla no hay más remedio que golpearla, por eso prefiere a los jóvenes porque son menos cautelosos, más agresivos y la dominan con mayor audacia./ No toleres trabajos mal hechos, lentitud, precios exorbitantes ni ninguna otra molestia que agregue tensión a tu vida./ La solución es simple: No permitas que tu enemigo tenga ninguna opción. Aniquílalo y su territorio será tuyo./ Nuestro comportamiento se conforma de acuerdo a patrones. El poder del patrón de conducta estriba en que engaña a la otra persona, haciéndole esperar lo opuesto de lo que realmente estás haciendo./ No muestres todas tus cartas./ Refrigerate prepared soups before you eat them. As the soup cools, the fat will rise to the top. Skim it off the surface for reduced fat content./ Antes de que definas prioridades, anota la razón más importante por la cual quieras alcanzar cada meta y el beneficio más grande que recibirás al haberlo logrado./ Lo que hace despreciable al Príncipe es que se le considere poco firme, afeminado, pusilánime, frívolo, así debe de entenderlo el Príncipe para olvidarse de parecerlo y por el contrario de tal manera que se le reconozca fortaleza de ánimo, seriedad y valor./ Oculta tus intenciones pero no cerrándote a los demás, lo cual corre el riesgo de hacerte parecer como que ocultas un secreto, lo que hace que la gente sospeche, sino hablando sin parar de tus deseos y objetivos, solo que no de los verdaderos./ Ponle tentaciones a la gente para que puedas predecir sus acciones en el futuro./ Las multitudes tienden a actuar en conjunción. Si una persona se detiene a ver otros también se detendrán. Se juntarán como un enjambre. Después al darles un ligero empujón entrarán a tu negocio o asistirán a tu espectáculo./ Nunca seas el portador de malas noticias: El rey mata al mensajero que trae malas noticias. Debes de luchar y si es necesario mentir y hacer trampa para asegurarte que el portador de malas noticias sea un colega tuyo, nunca tu. Trae siempre buenas noticias y tu cercanía agradará al superior./ I asked, "So what do you suggest?" and stopped talking. The manager hemmed and hawed while I bit my tongue to keep from rescuing him. my silence compelled him to look at the situation from my point of view. It helped him own the problem so he felt some obligation to resolve it rather than brushing me off with a perfunctory refusal./ Si necesitas recurrir a un aliado por ayuda no le recuerdes la ayuda que le has brindado en el pasado, ni tus buenas acciones hacia el. Él encontrará una forma de ignorarte. En vez de eso ofrécele algo en tu pedido o en tu alianza con el, algo que lo beneficie y enfatízalo fuera de toda proporción. El responderá con entusiasmo cuando vea que hay algo que ganar para él./ Un aire de misterio hace maravillas para aquellos que necesitan desarrollar un aura de poder y lograr que sean observados, pero debe parecer mesurado y bajo control. Nunca vayas demasiado lejos. No dejes que tu aire de misterio se transforme lentamente en una reputación de engañador./ Photography can never grow up if it imitates some other medium. It has to walk alone; it has to be itself./ Debido a que el poder es una creación humana, se ve inevitablemente incrementado por el contacto con la gente./ Nunca imagines que porque tu jefe te quiere puedes hacer lo que desees./ It better befits a man to laugh at life than to lament over it - Seneca. / Cambia 4 hábitos al año. En 5 años tendrás 20 hábitos positivos. ¿Harán 20 hábitos positivos un cambio en tu vida./ Júntate sólo con gente de buena reputación, porque es debido a esas asociaciones en que tu también puedes adquirir buena reputación./ Exaggerated sensitivenes is an expression of the feeling of inferiority./ Fomentar toda clase de discordias entre los habitantes de las ciudades dominadas afirma el poder./ Nunca les enseñes tanto de lo que sabes como para que puedan prescindir de ti./ Hay una tendencia natural en las relaciones, en que la gente se vuelve tan familiarizada con su pareja que todo acaba en sburrimiento. El misterio es la sangre y la vida de la Seducción para mantenerlo debes de sorprender constantemente a tus víctimas, agitar las cosas, aún hasta disgustarla./ The overall purpose of human communication is -or should be- reconciliation./ La víctima perfecta no tiene ciertas facciones o el mismo gusto en música que el tuyo o metas en la vida similares a las tuyas. estas son las características que un seductor banal toma en cuenta para elegir a sus víctimas. La víctima perfecta es la persona que te excita en una forma que no puede ser explicada, el efecto que ella tiene sobre ti no tiene nada que ver con superficialidades./ Impatience is often a by-product of ignorance. Mantén la esperanza de los demás viva pero no satisfecha./ La mejor forma de ser recibido por todos es vestirte con la piel del tonto./ Obsérvate a ti mismo y evitarás una montaña de errores./ Recuerda que para que las cosas cambien, tú tienes que cambiar./ Dos seducciones no deben de ser iguales, una víctima diferente debe de cambiar toda la dinámica./ Cuando no dependemos de nadie salvo de nosotros mismos, no podemos nunca sentirnos defraudados./ En raras ocasiones habla de tu trabajo; deja que los demás hagan las interpretaciones. Entre menos hables de tu obra, más gente comentará sobre ella. Y entre más comentada sea tu obra, mejor se cotizará./ Flavor foods with herbs, spices, and other low fat seasonings./ Los seductores, ya sean sexuales o sociales, prefieren jugar con las probabilidades a su favor. Tan frecuentemente como sea posible trabajan a la gente que demuestra algún tipo de vulnerabilidad hacia ellos y evitan a los que no muestran ningún tipo de vulnerabilidad. Desistir de hacer el intento con gente que te es inaccesible es una maniobra sabia, no puedes seducir a todos./ Respond rather than react. From now on, the goal is to think before you speak./ Entre más fácil crean que eres como presa, más fácilmente podrás voltearles la tortilla./ Si no puedes hacer que los actos calculados de amabilidad parezcan sinceros y sentidos, mejor no juegues con fuego./ When one has the feeling of dislike for evil, when one feels tranquil, one finds pleasure in listening to good teachings; when one has these feelings and ppreciates them, one is free of fear. - Buddha / A diplomat is someone who thinks twice before saying nothing./ I destroy my enemy by making him my friend./ Es importante conocer a tu rival. Usa espías para conseguir información valiosa que te mantenga un paso adelante. Mejor aún: Juega tu el papel de espía./ La historia ha demostrado una y otra vez el valor de usar a un asociado como chivo expiatorio. Esto es conocido como "la caída del favorito." La mayoría de los reyes tenían a su favorito personal en la corte, una persona a la cual ellos destacaban algunas veces sin razón aparente y los colmaban de favores y atenciones. Pero este favorito de la corte podía servir como chivo expiatorio conveniente en caso de amenaza a la reputación del rey. El público creería prontamente en la culpabilidad del chivo expiatorio -porqué sacrificaría el rey a su favorito a menos de que en realidad fuera culpable? Los demás cortesanos, resentidos de el favorito, se regocijarían por su caída. El rey, mientras tanto, se libraría de un hombre que para ese momento podría saber demasiado de él, un hombre que quizá se había vuelto arrogante y desdeñoso./ El Príncipe debe de ser inquisitivo y anuente para escuchar la verdad, presentándose como disgustado cuando por respeto no se le ha dicho algo./ Choose fruit for dessert./ La amabilidad selectiva también debe de ser parte de tu arsenal de engaños, porque puede doblar aún al enemigo más acérrimo./ El misterio que crees debe de ser sutil./ Los estudios concluyen que nos hacemos amigos y nos caen mejor las personas que están físicamente más cerca de nosotros, debido al alto nivel de interacción./ Las amistades que se adquieren con dinero y no con nobleza y virtud son de hecho compradas y no se tienen realmente puesto que en los momentos de necesidad no se puede contar con ellos./ Saca provecho de la experiencia de otros./ El dinero fluye hace quien lo atrae. El dinero es una recompensa por servicios prestados y por valor aumentado./ Crea valor por medio de la escasez./ La sociabilidad y la movilidad te protegerá de tus enemigos quienes se verán incapacitados de esconderte secretos y de aislarte de tus aliados./ No podemos andar por ahí dudando la realidad de lo que vemos y escuchamos -constantemente imaginando las apariencias ocultas nos cansaría y espantaría. Esto hace que sea relativamente fácil ocultar nuestras intenciones./ Ponte objetivos pequeños a corto plazo que sean parte de objetivos más grandes y realízalos, no hay nada mejor para reforzar la confianza en ti mismo que realizar y completar las cosas./ Toda la gente tiene inseguridades y frecuentemente la mejor forma de engañar a un estúpido es manipulando sus inseguridades. Pero en la búsqueda del poder todo es cuestión de grados y dimensiones, por lo que la persona que es más insegura que el mortal promedio presente mayores peligros./ Cuando busques fuentes de poder para elevarte encuentra un patrón clave, la vaca gorda que te dará leche durante mucho tiempo./ Use the Empathy Phrase "How would I feel?", "How would I feel if I were in their shoes?", "How would I feel if this was happening to me?" / No caigas en los viejos patrones, lo cual puede presentarse cuand oestás en tensión o enfrentándote a una crisis./ Si no estás en peligro, no pelees. - Sun-tzu./ Extiende la Ley de la Escasez a tus propias habilidades. Haz que lo que les ofreces al mundo sea raro y difícil de encontrar y así incrementarás tu valor./ Sólo se puede confiar en las fuerzas propias y en la desorganización del enemigo./ Es generalmente imposible hacer que la gente haga lo que tu quieras solo con hablarles. La gente se vuelve contra ti, se opone a tus deseos, desobedece por pura perversidad. Tienes más poder cuando no dices nada./ Pide lo que necesitas, no pierdes nada al pedir y si mucho que ganar, pide y recibirás, busca y encontrarás, toca la puerta y ésta se abrirá./ Aprende a dar antes de tomar./ Después de una guerra no entres en negociaciones porque perderás inevitablemente en negociación lo que habías ganado en la guerra./ You can relax, be sympathetic, empathic, compassionate, friendly and understanding./ An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea. - Buddha / En cada situación hay que preguntar que significa; lee a Marco Aurelio./ Choose not to bad-mouth. / No gastes demasiado tiempo en clientes secundarios./ Being comfortable with a long pause is especially important in negotiations./ I believe such questions as "What do you suggest?", "What would you do if you were in my place?" and "How would you feel?" followed by silence are fair tools if you return the favor and keep your side of the bargain. They´re Empathy Phrases in that they cause the other person to see your perspective./ Es natural querer persuadir a la gente alegando tu caso, imponiendo tu voluntad con palabras, pero esto frecuentemente se vuelve contra ti. En vez de eso controla tu lengua y tus emociones./ Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha / Find the value of Empathy Phrases and practice them./ Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of being. - Goethe / Lo misterioso no puede ser controlado. Y lo que no puede ser atrapado y consumido cre poder./ The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks./ En el momento en que haga yo el cuadro perfecto dejaría de pintar. En el momento en que no haya problema que resolver dejaría de pintar./ La mayoría de la gente quiere gustarle a los demás, quiere amar, quiere entrar en contacto, pero tienen miedo. Hay cosas que estorban ese deseo innato: el temor al rechazo, la vulnerabilidad, el ego, los celos, entre otras emociones mezcladas, actitudes y creencias que evitan que logremos integrarnos con los demás./ La solución: No tengas misericordia. Aplasta a tus enemigos como ellos te aplastarían a ti. La única seguridad que puedes esperar de tus enemigos es su desaparición./ Nunca pelees por honor, siempre hazlo por conveniencia y solo cuando sepas que puedes ganar./ Si un futuro prospecto está preocupado en cuanto al servicio, precio, calidad, conocimiento del producto y el mercado y entregas justo a tiempo, le podrás mostrar los testimoniales respectivos./ Un aspecto básico para la habilidad de ocultar tus intenciones es una simple verdad acerca de la naturaleza humana: Nuestro primer instinto es siempre confiar en las apariencias./ Nunca pidas favores en nombre de otra persona, mucho menos de un amigo./ En las etapas iniciales de una relación, la ausencia de la amada estimula tu imaginación, formando una especie de aura alrededor de ella. Pero esta aura desaparece cuando conoces demasiado -cuando tu imaginación ya no tiene espacio para vagar libremente./ An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. - Buddha,/ Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn´t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn´t learn a little, at least we didn´t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn´t die; so, let us all be thankful. - Buddha./ Ten la estrategia de revelar bruscamente lo que parezca un secreto (algo que tu hayas inventado) y después observa la reacción de los que te escuchan, para medir sus intereses y preocupaciones./ El hábito de asumir que el comportamiento de una persona coincidirá exactamente con los patrones de conducta previamente observados es muy fuerte./ Hay algo egoísta y arrogante acerca de los mártires, como si sintieran que sus seguidores son menos importantes que su propia gloria. El martirio es el reverso de la rendición que es una medida más inteligente./ Tus hijos no tendrán todo lo que quieran, pero tampoco van a sufrir./ Maquiavelo declara que en un sentido estrictamente militar una fortaleza es un error. Se vuelve el símbolo del aislamiento y del poder y es un blanco fácil para los enemigos de sus constructores. Diseñadas para defenderte, las fortalezas en realidad te aíslan de la ayuda y te restringen tu flexibilidad./ En 1941 los nazis lanzaban bombas V-1 a Inglaterra para que cayeran en lugares importantes de Londres pero las bombas siempre caían en lugares erróneos. Esto es porque los nazis confiaban en espías que ellos tenían en Inglaterra para que les dieran las coordenadas, sin embargo estos espías estaban controlados por los ingleses que les hacían mandar información falsa a los nazis, cuyas bombas caían cada vez más lejos de sus objetivos./ Así como tendemos a pensar que alguien que comparte nuestros intereses es más simpático, también nos sentimos inconscientemente atraídos hacia alguien que tiene una apariencia similar a la nuestra o una apariencia que deseamos tener algún día./ There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. - Buddha./ Que no te digan ¿Porqué veniste otra vez?, mejor que te digan: ¡Qué bueno que veniste! / Sarcastic responses won´t make either of you feel any better. Instead, hold your tongue (Tongue Glue!) and ask yourself: "Why would she say something like that?" When people feel overwhelmed they behave rudely. Be empathetic! / Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha / Más se pierde por detenerse a la mitad que por aniquilación total: El enemigo se recuperará y buscará venganza. Aplástalo, no sólo en cuerpo sino también en alma./ There are two things which cannot be attacked in front: ignorance and narrowmindedness. They can only be shaken by the simple development of the contrary qualities. They will not bear discussion./ Choose to be compassionate./ Aparece como amigo y recaba información./ El Príncipe gasta su patrimonio y el de sus súbditos, o bien gasta el de otros; en el primer caso debe ser austero y en el segundo debe tomar en cuenta todos los aspectos de la liberalidad./ We have too many high-sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them./ Entre más desconfiada es la gente, entre más cree la persona que todos los que la rodean no son sinceros ni honestos, más exhausta y deprimida estará. Una persona así anhela recibir un gesto de sinceridad o generosidad. A un estafador le gustan estas emociones conflictivas porque la persona que está sufriéndolas puede ser engañada fácilmente./ Usa la rendición para ganar acceso a tu enemigo. Aprende sus métodos, insinúatele lentamente, externamente adopta sus costumbres, pero internamente mantén tu propia cultura. Al final saldrás victorioso, porque mientras el te considera débil e inferior y no toma precauciones en tu contra, tu estás aprovechando el tiempo para alcanzarlo y sobrepasarlo./ What we think, we become - Buddha. / Evita cualquier tipo de broma en lo que se refiere a la apariencia o el gusto, son dos áreas altamente sensibles./ También es muy estimado un Príncipe cuando sabe ser un verdadero amigo y también un verdadero enemigo, lo que siempre es más conveniente que permanecer neutral o conciliador./ Juega tu papel de espia. En encuentros sociales, aprende a sondear. Haz preguntas indirectas para hacer que la gente revele sus debilidades e intenciones./ Words to Lose: You can continue to see things from only your point of view: "This is lousy service. I´m never coming back here again. I didn´t pay fifteen bucks to stand in line." Words to use: You can put yourself in their place, fast-forward through your frustration, and forgive them: "I can keep my peace of mind and rise above this petty incident. This isn´t that big a deal." / Los Príncipes que han obtenido un estado con ayudas internas que estudien con gran cuidado las razones que motivaron a quienes les han favorecido y si se dan cuenta de que ha sido porque se encontraban descontentos con el régimen anterior será muy difícil contar con su amistad./ Gestos de buen corazón, de honestidad y generosidad harán bajar la guardia de la gente que tenga más sospechas./ Consigue información sobre tu víctima de quien sea y por cualquier medio./ Control sobre eventos futuros, es tu objetivo en el ámbito del poder./ Date tus mañas para mantener tu habilidad para engañar./ Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha./ Al disipar tus fuerzas en diferentes frentes pierdes la visión de peligros distantes, todo para obtener una victoria presente./ Entre más eres visto y escuchado más se degrada tu valor. Te vuelves un hábito. No importa que tanto trates de ser diferente, sutilmente, sin que sepas porque, la gente te empieza a respetar cada vez menos./ Nada en el poder está grabado en piedra./ Lo que hace de ella la víctima perfecta: Ella está aburrida, lo que la hace más susceptible a sentirse atraída por la aventura./ Aplasta a tu enemigo totalmente./ Si eres por naturaleza más sociable y generoso que tu jefe, ten cuidado de no ser la nube que bloquea su brillo hacia los demás. El debe de aparecer como el sol alrededor del cual todos giran, irradiando poder y brillantez, el centro de atención./ El negocio se detiene cuando dejas de pedir. Recuerda el "upsell" de Mc Donald´s que siempre que ordenas una hamburguesa, te preguntan: "¿Quiere acompañarla de papas fritas?, ¿Quiere un pay de postre? / Anyone who gossips to you will gossip about you./ La impredecibilidad no es solo un arma de terror: al revolver tus patrones diariamente causarás agitación a tu alrededor y estimularás el interés. La gente hablará de ti, le adscribirá motivos y explicaciones que no tendrán nada que ver con la verdad pero te mantendrá constantemente en sus mentes./ Las amistades verdaderas son difíciles de encontrar, valora las que tienes y haz lo que sea para enriquecerlas./ Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. - Buddha. / Members will try to recall the sequence of events, they will remember exactly what they did just before and just after. Buty they can never remember the actual moment of killing. This is why they will always leave a clue./ By choosing to respond to unpleasant people with empathy rather than irritation, you can often transform their hostility into harmony, circumvent anger, and make yourself and others happy in the process./ Debes de haberte preguntado: ¿Cuál es el objeto de correr de un lado para otro, tratando de solucionar problemas y derrotar enemigos si nunca tienes el control?, ¿Porqué siempre tengo que estar reaccionando a los eventos en vez de estarlos dirigiendo? La respuesta es simple: Tu noción del poder es errónea. Has confundido el término acción agresiva por el de acción efectiva / Word to Lose: You get drawn into the debate: "Hold on a minute. We have as much right to the park as you do." Words to Use: You avoid a debate: "I know we can work something out."] / La mejor forma y la más corta de acrecentar tu fortuna es hacer ver claramente a la gente que tu crecimiento le conviene a sus intereses./ Debes de ser permeable, de ser capaz de flotar dentro y fuera de diferentes círculos y mezclarte con diferentes tipos de gente./ For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver. / Obtén la información sobre el conocimiento de la situación del enemigo con espías./ Frecuentemente cuando inicia un conflicto, te ves tentado a tomar partido con el bando más fuerte, o con el que te ofrece ventajas aparentes en una alianza. Esto es muy riesgoso. Es difícil predecir cual bando ganará. Pero aún si adivinas correctamente y te alías con el bando más fuerte podrás ser tragado y perder o puedes ser olvidado, cuando ellos se vuelvan los victoriosos. Toma partido con los débiles y estarás perdido. Pero juega el juego de esperar, de refrenarte y no perderás./ However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do if you do not act upon them? - Buddha / All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. - Buddha. / ¿Cómo me consideras como persona? ¿Qué me recomiendas para mejorar? / The Rubicons which women must cross, the sex barriers which they must breach, are ultimately those that exist in their own minds./ Ten cuidado de la otra gente, intentará acabar con tu concentración y hacerte olvidar tus prioridades, ciérrale la puerta a la gente, sin parecer grosero, cuando quieras enfocarte en tus prioridades./ The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground. - Buddha / Olvida el martirio; el péndulo oscilará de regreso hacia ti al final, y debes de estar vivo para verlo./ Las técnicas psicológicas influencian el estado natural de la persona de emerger. Nos sentimos bien cuando damos, cuando amamos y cuando ayudamos. Queremos lograr que emerjan los deseos sumergidos de la persona./ Detente a pensar: ¿Estás creando consecuencias negativas o recompensas positivas? Toda acción que tomas tendrá consecuencias./ La concentración es el cimiento del poder, de la riqueza y de la estabilidad./ Power Point: It´s all in the details. The more detailed he is the more you can believe in what he´s saying, made-up stories often have huge gaps and are vague and abstract. How specific is his story? / Entrénate para pensar como hacerle para meterte en la mente de la otra persona, para descubrir sus necesidades e intereses, para deshacerte de la pantalla de tus propios sentimientos que obscurecen la verdad. Domina este arte y no habrá límites para lo que puedas lograr./ You have to be able to center yourself, to let all of you emotions go... Don´t ever forget that you play with your soul as well as your body - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar / Silence after the correct questions can be more persuasive than the most eloquent speech. If I had lambasted the hotel manager with all the reasons he should let me use his computer, I would have cemented his resistance. The longer I verbally strong-armed him, the more stubborn he would have become. Persistence can indeed pay off, yet it can also backfire. The squeaky wheel sometimes gets the grease, but sometimes it simply gets replaced./ Ahora es el momento de vivir como te lo marcan tus valores y tus propósitos./ No dejes cosas pendientes si nresolver, con el tiempo se juntarán y serán más difíciles de resolver y te quitarán el control de tu vida./ Adquiere el hábito de aprender más de ti mismo; cómo piensas, que sientes, como reaccionas, como te comportas. En el conocimiento de uno mismo está la clave./ Si no logras hacer que la gente te necesite entonces serás desechado en la primera oportunidad. Si, al contrario, comprendes las Leyes del Poder y haces que los demás dependan de ti para su propio bienestar entonces sobrevivirás. Tendrás todos los beneficios del poder sin las espinas que vienen de ser el amo./ Solo gastar lo tuyo te perjudica. No hay nada que se consuma tanto en sí mismo como la liberalidad, porque mientras más se usa, más se limita la posibilidad de usarla porque genera la pobreza./ Si quieres un resultado diferente haz las cosas de diferente forma./ Si puedes hacer que tu jefe brille más a los ojos de los demás, entonces se te considerará y serás promovido./ En la batalla del inteligente en contra del bruto y agresivo, la táctica de la rendición es el arma suprema. Requiere autocontrol./ Enfocarte en lo que no son tus talentos te traerá frustración. Tu ingreso está directamente unido a la cantidad de tiempo que ocupas en tus talentos./ Nunca debes de bajar la guardia, siempre debes de estar alerta a cualquier señal de envidia e ingratitud. Nada es estable en el ámbito del poder y aún los amigos más cercanos se pueden transformar en nuestros peores enemigos./ El peor destino en el mundo para un hombre que ansíe la fama, la gloria, y por supuesto el poder es ser ignorado./ Saber cuando retirarse es un arte. Si se hace correctamente se vuelve a adquirir el respeto que se había perdido y se retiene parte del poder./ Como un manual de póker lo explica: "Cuando un buen jugador está jugando sus cartas, rara vez se comporta como un actor. En vez de eso practica un comportamiento agradable que minimice los patrones descifrables, que frustra y confunde a los oponentes y que permite una mayor concentración." / A veces cometemos el error de tratar de aparecer como no disponibles para alguien, pero al hacerlo lo único que logramos es disminuir el número de interacciones./ Entre más importante sea la decisión más tiempo debes de tomarte para pensar./ A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools./ La Rendición también puede ser un forma de burlarte de tus enemigos, una forma de voltear el poder en contra de ellos. La obediencia -rendición- puede ser una forma de demostrar superioridad en una forma contraria. La resistencia solo te puede arrastrar a un ciclo de violencia rebajándote al nivel de tu agresor./ Lo que está concentrado, coherente y conectado con su pasado tiene poder. Lo que está disipado, dividido y disentido se pudre y cae./ And remember, where you have a oncentration of power in a few hands, all too frequently men with the mentality of gangsters get control. HIstory has proven that. All power corrupts; absolute power corupts absolutely./ Never allow yourself to take the bait./ Para negociaciones o juntas siempre es sabio atraer a la contraparte a tu territorio o al territorio de tu elección. Ellos no verán nada familiar y los hará que estén a la defensiva./


TIMES NEW ROMAN 10 NORMAL

TRIGGERS FROM PAGE 10

Trigger 15: Satisfaction Conviction. / Chapter 16 - Mass delusion and other Good Marketing Ideas: One of the very critical techniques that I have used in my mail order ads is a process called “linking.” Basically, it is the technique of relating what the consumer already knows and understands with what you are selling, to make the new product easy to understand and relate to. One of the easiest examples of this trigger is to explain how it works in a fad. A fad is simply a craze that usually captures the public’s consciousness and quickly creates strong demand, awareness or behavioral changes. The demand can be for a product such as for the Beanie Babies in 1998 or the citizen band (CB) radios back in the ’70s. It can be simply the strong awareness of a product or concept, such as the Viagra craze in 1998, or it can be for behavioral changes, such as women throwing away their bras during the women’s liberation movement of the late ’60s. There are also fads within specific industries. For example, in the exercise industry there might be a fad for abdominal devices; on infomercials, there might be a glut of business opportunity shows. Usually the fads come and go quickly. But the importance of the fad examples is to show you the process of linking on its most basic and obvious levels. Then I’ll take it deeper to give you a sense of how linking can be used to effectively sell a product or service. First, a few stories about fads and how this linking process works. A good example of recognizing fads and knowing what to do with them comes from an experience I had with Richard Guilfoyle, a direct marketer from Boston. He had a strong sense of history and prided himself on creating replicas of famous American objects—Paul Revere’s lantern, George Washington’s statue at Valley Forge, a salt-and-pepper set from the time of the Revolutionary War. In 1975 his company was doing quite well. And no wonder—the country was about to celebrate its 200th or bicentennial anniversary, and this class of merchandise was being recognized as a way of celebrating the birth of our nation. Sales were brisk. Richard was capitalizing on this current fad for any product that celebrated America’s 200th birthday. Then the bottom of his business fell out. Sales plummeted and he couldn’t figure out why. And it all happened just prior to July 4th, 1976—the date of the bicentennial. When he attended my seminar, he was really quite disappointed with his business. What happened? I suggested that maybe it was because people were associating or linking his products with the anniversary of the United States. Because that date had already passed, his sales reflected this perception. But Richard insisted that this wasn’t the case. “My products have true historic significance and have nothing to do with the bicentennial.” Could I simply look at his copy and help him improve it? After looking over his copy, which was actually quite good, I saw clearly what the problem was. He had not recognized that consumers linked his products as part of the excitement of the U.S. bicentennial, rather than as a part of American history that they could save and own. He then showed me a few ads he had prepared after attending my seminar. One of them was for a necklace consisting of a small replica of a Paul Revere lantern that had a small diamond in the center reflecting light as the candle flame. It was a beautiful piece of jewelry. I read the copy and said, “You have a winner here. This ad will do well—not because of the historic nature of the necklace but because of the beautiful piece of jewelry that it is. You’re now selling jewelry, Richard, not good old Americana.” Sure enough, the ad was a huge success and he soon realized how a powerful fad can grow and fade. And how sometimes fads aren’t recognized as fads. I used fads as a way of generating publicity when I was doing public relations for a few of my clients. One owned a ski resort and was trying to increase the awareness of snowmobiles at his resort. At the time, during the mid to late ’60s, the women’s lib movement was new, strong, and passionate. I suggested that the resort owner ban women snowmobile drivers and I issued a press release proudly announcing this fact. The publicity went national. He rescinded his ban after the publicity died down and snowmobile sales grew dramatically from the national publicity and attention. In short, he linked a marketing problem onto a fad and consequently got enough publicity to increase his sales. At about the same time, one of my accounts—Jerry Herman, owner of the Spot pizza restaurant near Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois—wanted national publicity too. Women were in the middle of an unusual fad—throwing their bras away and going braless. I suggested to Jerry that he design a bra-shaped pizza and link it to the fad. He too got national publicity. Later I used an awareness fad as a way of selling products. When it was discovered in 1973 that Nixon was using phone tap equipment to record all his phone conversations, there was enormous publicity about it. I immediately put together a JS&A offer for a system with which anybody could tap their phones and ran it in The Wall Street Journal under the headline, “Tap Your Phone.” That ad was a mistake. The FBI showed up at my door and The Wall Street Journal threatened never to run my ads again. Even worse, I didn’t sell many of the systems and lost money on the ad. In contrast, I caught another fad at just the right time. I offered a walkie-talkie right at the height of the citizen band (CB) radio boom in the U.S. By calling my walkie-talkie a Pocket CB, because it broadcast on the CB frequencies, I was able to capture a major chunk of the CB market fad. The minute there is a lot of publicity about something and it has the potential to turn into a fad, it could be a great opportunity to link it onto something that you’re doing, either to get publicity or to promote a product. Recently the Viagra impotency pill presented an opportunity for some BluBlocker publicity. The three side effects of the pill that affected a small percentage of men were blurry vision, sensitive eyes, and seeing a blue cast after taking the pill. BluBlocker sunglasses helped alleviate all three side effects and I issued a press release to announce that fact. Publicity appeared all over the world. In another example, I realized that there might be a baby boom from the use of Viagra. With 20 million pills prescribed and the increased “fire power” that men now had, this was a real possibility. I contacted Success magazine and suggested that they issue a press release on the possible baby boom and the future economic effects of both the drug and the lifestyle changes possible because of Viagra. They loved the idea and followed the idea up with an article in their next issue. Fads are very powerful. And you now understand the basic concept of linking. But how does this help in the selling process when there isn’t a fad? And how could this trigger be used in a personal selling situation?Whenever I sell a new product or a unique feature of a new concept, I use linking. I take what is familiar to the prospect, relate it to the object I am selling, and create a bridge in the mind of my prospect. Because of this linking, the prospect needs to think a lot less to understand the new product. The product is easier to relate to the needs of the prospect. Everybody wins. An example of this process was in my ad on a smoke detector. The headline of the ad was, “The Nose.” I talked about the smoke detector not as a smoke detector (many such devices were already being sold) but as a nose that sat on your ceiling and sniffed the air. When it smelled smoke, it set off an alarm. I took the very human and simple concept of a nose—a part of the body whose function is well understood—and then linked it to an electronic device. In the ad I also used linking to express quality. For example, I talked about the integrated circuits using gold for the contact points. My prospect was then able to link the expense and quality of gold to this product and come up with a quality image of this product and a justification for its higher price. In actuality, every integrated circuit used gold for its contact points, so this wasn’t revolutionary, but nobody had taken the time to explain it to the consumer. I have used linking in many other ways. For example, I had a product that was a remote car starter. You pressed a button on a remote control device and your car automatically started. I called it “The Mafia Auto Gadget.” Can you see the linkage with this product? No? Well, I explained it in the ad. The Mafia often used car bombs to eliminate competition. Because this device started the car for you at a distance, it eliminated the fear and concern for any Mafia member. Of course, the market was also broadened to include those people who simply liked the convenience of pre-starting their car on a hot or cold day and having the car reach a pleasant temperature before they got in. But the positioning of the product was done with a link that the consumer could understand—that of linking it to the Mafia. I could give you hundreds of examples. But the main point to remember about linking is that it should relate the product or service you are selling to something that is easy for your prospect to identify so that you bridge the mental gap in the mind of the prospect. Usually products are simply improved versions of previously sold products. You need to relate the older product to the new version to explain the advanced product. One of the hardest things to use linking for is a miracle product—a product that is too good to believe. For example, I was selling a small pill that you put in the gas tank of your car. It improved gas mileage, cleaned out the engine, and had 10 times the fuel additives that you get from super unleaded fuel. It was truly a miracle product and difficult to link to anything that existed in the marketplace. We used the phrase, “Vitamins for your car” and “tune-up in a pill” as a few of our links. Linking is a basic human emotional system of storing experiences and knowledge and then recalling those experiences and linking them to something we have to deal with on a daily basis.We often link things together in our memories. I remember when President John F. Kennedy died. I remember where I was at that precise moment and remember the confusion and the personal pain and emotion I felt. I linked every image and emotion to that moment in time. I can even remember my very emotions and the precise time and location in a forest when I was hiking with my high-school sweetheart, talking about life and our deepest fantasies. My fantasy was to be very successful and own an exciting sports car, live on a tropical island, and someday write a novel. She confided to me that her fantasy was simply having sex with the entire Brazilian soccer team. In the personal selling process, simply be aware of how linking works. Presenting your product or service by linking it to something the consumer can relate to and understand is very powerful in that selling process. Trigger 16: Linking./ Chapter 17 - The National Hermits Convention: Let me make a few observations that are critical to understanding this next important psychological trigger. First, you buy from an emotional level, as you’ve already learned. You’ve also learned that the purchaser of a product justifies that emotional purchase using logic. But here’s the unusual part. Often the purchaser who uses logic to justify a purchase knows the exact logical justifications for buying the product but does not realize the emotional reasons. Why do people own Mercedes automobiles? Why do they smoke Marlboro cigarettes? Why do certain fads catch on? It is because these people subconsciously want to belong to the group of people who already own that specific product. In the case of Marlboros, the smokers subconsciously want to join that group of smokers who have responded to the rugged western image the cigarette’s ad agency has created. The people who buy Mercedes often want to belong to that special group of successful and affluent car owners who drive Mercedes automobiles. Do you think it’s because of the special braking or suspension system? Forget it. They’re going out and spending megabucks to buy something that’s maybe only slightly better than many other automobiles. The other cars can take you to the same places at the same speed and yet these same people—all very intelligent—will go out and buy a Mercedes. And the list goes on. You name a product that has an established image and I’ll show you a purchaser who, somewhere in his subconscious value system, wants to belong to the group that owns that product. Fashion, automobiles, cigarettes, gadgets, whatever the category: the consumer who buys a specific brand has been motivated to buy that brand by a desire to belong to the group of people who already own that brand. Period. When Volvo discovered that its customer base had one of the highest educational levels of any of the car manufacturers, they publicized this fact. They then noticed that when the same survey was conducted a few years later, the percentage jumped even further. The percentage jump was caused, in my judgment, by the association new buyers wanted to make with the more educated owners—they wanted to belong to that group. I’ve had my students say to me, “Well, what about hermits? Don’t tell me they have the desire to belong.” My answer: they want to belong to the group of people who consider themselves hermits. There must be thousands of them. To belong to the group means you don’t necessarily have to be with anyone or be very social. And maybe the key word here is identify. The Mercedes owner wants to be identified with the class or group of people who also own Mercedes. Owning a Rolls Royce in California in the ’70s was the ultimate status symbol. I was amazed at how impressed people were with other people who owned one. Being a Midwest boy and not growing up on the car-conscious West Coast, it was culture shock to realize how much a Rolls meant to somebody from the West Coast. Yet the car itself was one of the most conservative and old-fashioned-looking automobiles on the road during its time. The desire to belong to and identify with a group of people who own a specific product is one of the most powerful triggers in selling and marketing. For example, if I knew that one of my prospects wanted to buy a certain branded product, it would first tell me psychologically what group that person wanted to belong to. I could then craft my presentation to take into account all of the emotional reasons for belonging to this other group that also corresponded to my product or service. Let’s take that Mercedes example. The person buying a Mercedes would be somebody who might want to be treated as a wealthy person who expected quality and service. Realizing this would then allow me to offer those services, options, and perks that a wealthy person buying the car would expect as part of the purchase and as part of a wealthy person’s psychological profile. I might expect exceptional and respectful service. Maybe a good-quality loaner car when mine was brought in for service. I might expect special free road service if anything happened to my car. I might expect to be offered other after-sale considerations that only the wealthy would expect. My gift from the salesman might be an expensive pen and pencil set instead of a cheap key chain. Some of this is really common sense. But too often we don’t look at the core motivation for the purchase of a specific product, which could reveal a lot more about our prospect. Think of any product, magazine, service, or even location. What is the psychological profile of the person belonging to that group of people who buy the product or service or live in that location? It will give you some great ideas on how to treat the person. And it will help you realize what would motivate your prospect to consider buying your product. These clues to the emotional appeal your product has, when matched to the clues you can get from knowing your prospect and her ownership trends, is valuable knowledge at its most basic, core psychological level. In direct marketing, which is a very scientific field, we segment our mailing lists both demographically and psychographically, to make the mailings more efficient and profitable. For example, my best electronics buyer while I was selling electronics might have been somebody who subscribes to Popular Science, bought a camera recently, and flies an airplane. I can then take the lists of pilots, Popular Science subscribers, and recent camera buyers, put them all together, and determine the names that are common to all the lists. Look how efficient this system is for targeting your prospect. As a final example, I found the most ideal customers when I was selling electronic gadgets in a new catalog I started, called Gadgets. The catalog was themed throughout with a toll-free number 1-800-GADGETS and even an editorial page on the love I had for gadgets. I even had a special graduation certificate proclaiming your achievement as a Doctor of Gizmology for anybody who fit in either of two categories, which I tongue-in-cheek listed as follows: Category 1: You must be a graduate engineer in electrical engineering as well as a certified multi-engine, instrument-rated pilot, plus an active amateur radio operator along with being a serious amateur photographer. Now we realize that not everyone qualifies, especially for all of these skills. So we’ve made our second category somewhat easier. Category 2: You qualify if you purchase any product from this catalog. No matter what you buy, even if you can’t read—just ordering something makes you so qualified you wouldn’t believe it. Pass the qualifications in either of these two categories and we will send you a beautiful certificate. You can proudly display the certificate on your wall announcing to the world that you have passed the rigorous qualifications necessary to earn the title of Doctor of Gizmology, and consequently have become a registered Gizmologist. Almost a hundred people sent me their qualifications, which matched exactly the very strict qualifications listed in Category 1. What I had listed in Category 1 were practically my own qualifications. Although I didn’t graduate as an electrical engineer, I did study electrical engineering for three and a half years in college until I was drafted into the Army. Other than this one fact, I met all of the other qualifications. I was an instrument-rated, multi-engine pilot, an active amateur radio operator, and a serious amateur photographer. In short, I was looking for all of those gizmologists who not only had the same tastes in gadgets that I had but who had also experienced many of the same things that I experienced in the pursuit of my love of gadgets. They indeed belonged to my group. The desire to belong is one of the strongest psychological triggers on why people purchase specific products or services. Use it to your advantage by realizing what groups your prospect belongs to and then matching the needs and desires of your prospect with those of your product. Tigger 17: Desire to belong./ Chapter 18 - Airplane Tail Collection made easy: In direct marketing, there are products classified as collectibles. Stamps, plates, dolls, and coins are but a few that have been offered by direct marketers in the past, and it is a very healthy and robust market niche. It’s pretty easy to understand that an emotional urge exists to collect many of these items. But what you might be surprised to learn is that collecting is also true in practically every business. Take my experience with a mail order watch buyer. An enthusiastic watch buyer is your perfect prospect for another watch. When I was selling watches in my catalog, I would periodically send mailings to customers who had previously ordered other products from me. I also mailed to my customers who had ordered watches. My best list for watches consisted of my existing watch owners. Now you might think, if you had a watch, what would you need another one for? Wrong. Many people actually collect them. They’ll have several watches, several pairs of sunglasses, several pairs of jeans, a library of videos or compact disks, and even a dozen Hawaiian shirts. The list is endless. I’m always amazed at the number of dolls collected by QVC viewers. Some of their viewers are older women, long past childhood, yet among QVC’s most avid collectors. And they have dozens of dolls. Small car models are also sold on QVC. They are some of the most popular products for men. And not to be outdone, there must be thousands of viewers who own many BluBlocker sunglasses—some in several different styles. The point is, when selling (whether in print, on TV, or in a personal selling situation), recognize that there is a very large segment of the population who, for whatever reason, has an emotional need to collect a series of similar products. These products bring great joy and satisfaction and in some cases utility. Think about those who collect real cars. Many who can afford them have collections that range up to hundreds of full-sized automobiles. What kind of emotional need are they fulfilling? One of the ways the direct marketers optimize sales via the collecting instinct is by first sending, free of charge with the very first shipment, some sort of device to hold the collection. I can remember ordering silver airplane tails with various airline logos embossed on them from the Franklin Mint, a successful direct mail company that specialized in collectibles. I started collecting them to see how the Franklin Mint conducted its program rather than from any emotional interest in collecting airplane tails. Each one of the flat, eighth-inch-thick tails was made of pure silver, giving it value. The tails consisted of the vertical tail element, the part where the airline logo and symbol are located. And each of the logos was engraved into the silver tail. They were only a few inches wide, weighed about an ounce, and by virtue of just their silver content, they were obviously valuable. I received a beautiful four-drawer hand-crafted walnut chest with cutouts for each of the silver tails. The chest was so expensive-looking that I felt a subconscious sense of guilt. I had to do something in return to show my appreciation to the Franklin Mint for sending it to me. Something like filling it up with airplane tails. Now I realize that you might think I’m exaggerating but in truth, these were some of the emotions I felt when I received the chest. Then another emotion came over me. The chest had all these cutouts in which you placed the tails. I had this overwhelming anticipation of wanting to fill up each of the cutouts. Kinda like when I was a little kid and put round pegs in round holes. We’re talking some very basic early childhood stuff here. And those tails indeed came once a month. I remember the thrill of seeing the Franklin Mint’s envelope arrive each month and my anticipation in opening the envelope to discover what airline’s tail I had received. After opening the envelope and placing the tail in my hand-crafted walnut chest, I saw I was getting closer to filling up the slots. First filling up the first drawer. Then I started the second drawer. I looked at my collection each time I put in a new tail and felt the pride of knowing that my tail collection was growing. That indeed I was accomplishing something that was not that hard to do, something I didn’t have to really work hard to accomplish, but showed that I had real consistency in my life, like that scientific and psychological stuff I talked about in Chapter 1. Finally, I had enough tails in my chest that when guests visited in my home, I could show them my collection which was now in a prominent position in my living room. I had achieved a level of self-actualization, of self-esteem, and of accomplishment that I had not felt before. I finally sobered up and stopped collecting. It was costing me a fortune and after all, the only reason I started was for the research—to personally feel the emotional reasons why people get sucked into these schemes. And the collection was kind of silly to start with. The airlines were either merging, going out of business, or changing their names so fast that even the Franklin Mint couldn’t keep up. But this experience convinced me that there were lots of opportunities in the sales process for selling products to people who would not normally be considered collectors. I found that there were even people who collected gadgets or everything I offered, for that matter. To these people it was like I was their drug supplier. They couldn’t get enough of my products. Just because you have sold a customer a product, don’t ignore the opportunity to sell him the same product again or a new variation of that product. Just as I found out that my best watch customers were the ones who already owned watches, you might find that your best prospects are the ones who are already your customers and own an almost identical product. They often represent a powerful and overlooked market. A printer might like to collect printing presses; a gardener might like to collect garden tools; an architect might like to collect unusual drafting tools. You name the category and there will probably be some large percentage of prospects in that group who have the motivation to collect whatever you are offering. This is often associated with consistency, as I outlined in Chapter 1. Once you have set a buying pattern, it is easy and comforting to be consistent in your future buying activity. The desire to collect extends beyond the obvious collectible products. If you’ve sold your customer a product, consider the fact that the customer might also like to collect similar products. I wonder if there is a market for old airplane tails? Trigger 18: Desire to Collect. / Section Two: The Pain Continues: As I completed this book, I realized that something was missing. Something of such major significance that it would cause me to stop the presses and hold up production and make a change. Yes, I needed to break this book into two sections. And so I stopped the presses and here it is. Section One consists of the psychological triggers that motivate, persuade, and influence. Section Two consists of the psychological triggers that motivate, persuade, and influence. “Wait,” you say, “Both sections sound identical.” You’re right. They are. Then why would I divide this book into two sections? To provide a clean break in the middle of the book? Possibly. But if the break doesn’t matter, why do it? Is it to differentiate the first half of the book from the last half? Hardly. The entire book consists of pretty similar chapters, each of which can almost stand on its own. Could it be to plug one of my other books that would be relevant to this book and to my readers? That’s ridiculous. It would appear as crass commercialism appearing right in the midsection of this volume. But, on the other hand, I’m not stupid. This certainly would be a wonderful opportunity for a plug. After all, this is a book on selling, and you might as well get a first-hand taste of it. Or should I say smell? And so, with a little bit of humility and a lot of chutzpah, I’d like to mention three books in this section break that you should definitely get your hands on. Quickly. Order any of the following books and as a special gift, you’ll be entitled to a free, three-volume slipcase that will hold all the books in my trilogy. This handsome case is in full color and is a beautiful and attractive way to hold all three books. It is also a very clever way to get you to collect all my books, similar to the way I was sucked into buying stupid airplanetails when I received that expensive chest from the Franklin Mint. If you have a slipcase that holds three books and you have only one in it, you will feel this burning desire to get the other two books to fill the vacuum. And instead of ending up with a stack of silly airplane tails, you will own one of the best collection of marketing books in the entire universe. And I’m not just saying that. Well, I am, but it’s based on a lot of wonderful reviews.I hope you won’t feel too manipulated and will realize that the collection is well worth getting sucked into. When you receive any one of the three books, you’ll read about the free slipcase offer on the last page. All three books are written in the same style as this book. I write my own books, so what you get is pure me, not some hack I’ve hired to express him or herself with fancy words and proper English. I’m sure you can tell I’m writing this. My first book is called Advertising Secrets of the Written Word. It is the ultimate resource on how to write effective advertising copy, but it is much more than that. Every salesperson can use the skill of writing powerful copy—whether it be in sales letters, personal letters, or brochures. This book guides and teaches you, not only how to write copy but also how to make what you write even more effective. One of the 36 chapters in this 300-page book is called “Psychological Triggers”—the same theme as this book. But it covers the triggers just as they apply to copywriting. There are other chapters on insights that will help you communicate better at every level of your business career. It’s an invaluable how-to book with plenty of illustrations, written in the same style as Triggers. I urge you to order it from your favorite bookstore before you finish this book. ISBN 1-891686-00-3. The second book is called Marketing Secrets of a Mail Order Maverick. This 400-page book is packed with stories and lessons on how to find a product and then market it through various forms of print advertising, such as catalogs, direct mail, and print ads. The use of magazines and newspapers is discussed and there’s a lot of information on how to make media work for you. As a salesperson, many of the stories will give you valuable strategies that you can implement immediately, utilizing many of the triggers you’ve learned in this book. Marketing Secrets too is packed with valuable information that anybody in marketing can learn from and appreciate. ISBN 1-891686-06-2. The final volume in my three-book trilogy is a 300-page book entitled Television Secrets for Marketing Success. It contains insights for getting your product on national television and promoting it to the mass market via the most powerful medium ever created for the sale of products. If you have a product that you’d like to put on a home shopping show, or use in an infomercial or even a short one-minute direct response spot, this is the book to invest in. There are plenty of stories and experiences to enjoy and learn from. ISBN 1-891686-09-7. But act quickly to order the above books before I burn down a garage—as you will read about in the next chapter when I cover the psychological trigger that I call “a sense of urgency.” / Chapter 19 - Help, It´s a Fire: This is a true story. I had just acquired a squirt gun and a pack of matches. The matches were for starting a fire and the squirt gun was for putting it out. Simple concept. One day, with nothing to do, I burned a piece of paper and then with my squirt gun, I put it out. The concept worked. Water will put out fire. I then wandered over to the empty lot located down the block from my apartment building and found an old abandoned garage with all the windows and doors missing. It looked like the graying wood of the garage structure would one day blow over in a strong wind, but for now it was still standing. Somebody had dumped some fresh branches just outside the garage. I took one of the branches, still full of green leaves, and carried it into the garage. I started a little fire in a small circle of bricks I had built to contain the flames. As the flames grew I saw that it would take too long to squirt them out with just my squirt gun so I employed another firefighting concept to put out the flames—the leafy branch. Hitting the flames with the branch smothered the fire, and I simply put out what remained of the embers with my squirt gun. he branch was so effective that I wondered what would happen if I spread the fire around the garage first, then smothered the flames with the leafy branch and finished the job off with my squirt gun. As I spread the fire throughout the garage, the flames were everywhere. I mean, it looked like there was no way I was going to put out those flames, even with a fire extinguisher. But I then took my trusty branch, swung at the fire and within a few minutes the fire was only smoldering. In fact, there was very little left to put out with my squirt gun. I could do it all with a leafy branch. Then I had the big idea. Impress the eight-year-old girl, Robin, who lived upstairs and on whom I had a mad crush. I could never get to first base with her. But now was my chance Now was the opportunity to show her how tough and brave I was. The plan was simple. In all the movies I saw, it was always the hero who saved the female star at the last minute from a flaming building or from sure death at the hands of an Indian
attack. John Wayne did this a lot. And so I reasoned that this would be a good way to jump-start my relationship with Robin. I would save her from sure disaster, she would be forever appreciative, and I would get the girl. I got some scissors, rope, and more matches and went back to the garage. I placed the lush green branches in a pile right outside the garage. I set up the bricks to contain the fire. I filled the brick circle with paper and twigs. I placed the scissors in the corner of the garage and filled my squirt gun with water. When everything was all in place, I went home to invite Robin to watch what I told her was a surprise that I had set up especially for her. She agreed to go with me to see her surprise. Robin wore a pretty white dress that day, with ruffles along the bottom, and funny-looking Buster Brown shoes. I didn’t say much as we walked toward the garage. I was focused on my mission. In the garage, one of the two supports that held up the roof structure had a small bench leaning against it. I asked Robin to sit on the bench and told her that I was going to tie her up but to trust me, as I wouldn’t tie the knots too tight and only if she let me do that could I show her what I had in mind. I acted with an air of confidence like I knew exactly what I was doing. Which of course, I did. Robin obediently followed my direction. Robin sat on the bench and I tied her to the support as well as to the bench. There was no way she was going to escape without my cutting the rope with the scissors. I then ignited the paper and twigs. As the flames grew, I then took the stick leaning against the other support and spread the flames throughout the garage. Fire was everywhere. Robin looked stunned. As the flames started to get near where she was tied up, I shouted, “Robin, don’t worry. I’ll be right back to save you.” I ran out of the garage to where the lush green branches were placed. But they were gone! Somebody had taken them. The garbage collector maybe? I raced back into the garage to see a terrified expression on Robin’s face. It was at that very moment that I learned the true definition of a sense of urgency. Robin started to cry and scream. I pulled out my squirt gun but, quickly realizing that this wasn’t going to solve my problem, I started looking for the scissors. But I couldn’t find them. Flames were everywhere. Robin started screaming at the top of her lungs and then, with what seemed like only seconds to spare, I tried desperately to untie the knots. I couldn’t untie them fast enough. But in the process I finally spotted the scissors, cut the ropes, and released Robin, who sprang out of the garage like a gazelle and ran home. I had indeed saved her from certain cremation, but somehow my plan had not turned out the way I had pictured it. The garage burned down completely. And of course I got into trouble. Plenty of it, too. And Robin, who did not fully see my act as heroic, would never go near me again. Nor would any of her other playmates. The sense of urgency I just talked about is most effective when you realize that you are going to lose something that might be of benefit to you. I realized that not only was I losing the garage, but the odds were pretty good that I would also lose Robin. In selling, the concept of a sense of urgency involves two emotional aspects in the selling process. One is loss or the chance of losing something, and the other is procrastination. Let me give you an example of procrastination first. You’ve completely sold Harry, who is your prospect. You’ve done an outstanding job. You provided Harry, who started out as one of your biggest challenges, with all the logic and information he needed. You raised all of Harry’s objections at the start of your presentation and then resolved them masterfully as the presentation progressed. You showed passion and respect, integrity and credibility. Harry is nodding yes as you get ready to hand him the pen to sign the paperwork but then he suddenly stops, looks straight into your eyes, and says, “Well, let me think about it first.” It is a proven fact that when this happens, chances are the prospect won’t buy. And the reasons are really very logical. First, in time, that excellent sales presentation you gave and that was nicely received by Harry will be forgotten. Secondly, if you’re lucky and it isn’t forgotten, it doesn’t have the same impact it had when it was first presented—and you know how much of an impact you need to turn a prospect into a customer. That old saying, “out of sight, out of mind,” holds true in a case like this as well. Therefore, to avoid Harry’s delaying tactic, you’ve got to provide the prospect with an incentive or reason to buy now. In fact, if you do your job right, the customer has to feel guilty if he or she doesn’t buy right now. And yet you’ve got to make sure you save face so the prospects can change their minds and go from “thinking about it” to “buying it.” But how do you do it? First, here’s what you don’t want to do. You’ve spent a lot of time with Harry and you’ve convinced him to buy. The one thing you don’t want to do is blow your integrity by making a statement that is not true. A statement like, “If you don’t buy within the next few days, we’ll be sold out,” or some other lame, untrue statement that may turn your prospect off. So be careful. Whatever you say at the end of your presentation, whether it’s a call for action or to enhance a sense of urgency, should be the truth and should be crafted to maintain the same integrity expressed throughout your sales pitch. Now, what can you do to create a sense of urgency? You might have a great pitch and express a very good sense of urgency, but a fatal error might still kill your sale. What is that fatal error? Omitting important information that the buyer needs in order to make that important buying decision. Then the buyer has the excuse, “There’s a question I have but if you don’t have the answer, let me know when you do,” or a similar cop-out. In short, even a great sense of urgency can be wasted if you leave some critical information out of a sales presentation./
We used to run all our new product introductions with the phrase “National Introductory
Price.” This didn’t mean that much, except it raised the possibility that the price was
temporarily low and it might go up. Most introductory prices usually do. In actuality, the
prices of calculators and electronics were deteriorating so quickly, they always went down,
so we eventually dropped that phrase.
The number of possibilities is limited only by your imagination. The sense of urgency
statements always go at the end of your sales presentation. And it is at the end where the
sense of urgency meets several other important concepts, all of which must be considered
and blended seamlessly together.
Always make sure there is a sense of urgency in your sales presentation so that the
prospect does not leave without you making that sale. If you do leave without the sale or a
positive commitment, your chances of making that sale, in most circumstances, are pretty
slim. What can you do to create a sense of urgency? There are plenty of possibilities.
You can say: “I know your competition is just now installing the same piece of equipment.
What can I do to help you make that decision now?”
And then there’s: “Hey, I was told that our cutoff for orders is today for the rest of the year. Is
there anything I can personally do to convince you that my product is perfect for your
company?”
When I was in New York in 1959 studying every book I could on salesmanship, I came
across one by Elmer Wheeler entitled Selling Dangerously. I’ll never forget the book for its
simple yet powerful premise.
Wheeler recognized that if you reached a point when your prospect says, “Let me think
about it,” or “Let me discuss this with my partner,” chances are you’ve lost the sale. He
therefore reasoned that you had nothing to lose if you tried something bold and almost
dangerous to make the sale, even if it meant being kicked out of the prospect’s office.
One of his stories told of the salesman who failed to sell his prospect and finally, at the end
of the presentation, said, “Look, obviously I’ve failed to convince you of the importance of
buying now. I know your time is valuable, so let me pay you for your time. Let me give you
$200 which should give me at least 15 minutes more to convince you why you should buy
my product now.”
There were other bold examples, like the statement to a prospect who wants to see his
partner first before making a decision: “See your partner? Doesn’t your partner trust you to
make decisions by yourself?”
A common excuse by a spouse is to have the other spouse approve of a purchase. This is a
very common delaying tactic. Wheeler talked about the time when a salesman, trying to sell
a housewife on purchasing an iron, got the very common response, “Well, let me discuss
this with my husband.”
The salesman shot back with, “What day of the week does your husband do the laundry?”
The woman, taken aback, told the salesman that she did the laundry, to which he replied,
“Then it is your head that aches on wash day, and your back that hurts—not your
husband’s.”
The salesman allows these comments to sink in and then murmurs confidentially, “Your
husband never discusses with you the labor-saving devices for his back and head in his
office, does he?”
Triggers by Joe Sugarman
file:///C/My Documents/ebooks/triggers.htm (51 of 89) [7/17/2001 2:52:57 PM]
It is critical that you make the sale and not accept a delaying tactic. Create a sense of
urgency that makes sense for the type of product you are selling.


TIMES NEW ROMAN 8 NORMAL

TONGUE FU FROM PAGE 11

Make The Covert Overt: “I destroy my enema by making him my friend.” - Abraham Lincoln. / Tongue Fu! Is about finess, not fighting. Our goal is to enutralize, not destroy agresión by bringing their negative tactics to light./ My husband was looking for a family car. After visiting car dealerships for several weekends, he counid exactly what he wanted. He was ready to sign the contract when the salesman said, “I´ll be right back. I´ve got to clear this price with my manager.” After waiting for almos twenty minutes, my husband realized the employee was pulling the good guy / bad guy routine. The salesman must have noticed how much Lies liquen the van, so he decided to let him sit for a while. The salesman probable figured that if Les didn´t know whether the deal was gong to be approved, he´d grow anxious and be huillín to pay more. Sure enough, that was the salesman´s intent. He fináis returned and insincerely apologized. “Gee, I´m sorry this took so long. I traed to wrangle my boss down, but he insists we get $16,000 for that van. He says we are already living a bargain price,and we can´t let it go for any less.” My husband named the game. He wanted to make a point, not an enema, so he calmly and firmly told the salesman, “I know you have the autoriíta to set the price. If you´d like to sell that car, I´m ready to sign a contract for $14,500 right now. If not, I´ll have to take my business someteré else.” The salesman rather sheepishly agreed to the original price, all the while muttering under his breath that he was gong to take a lot of guff from his supervisor. He knew he´d been caught out./ Thwart Tactics: "Patience is never more important than when you´re on the verge of losing it." - Anonymous / What if people are pressuring you to make a decision? They are probably hoping that in your haste, you´ll make concessions you wouldn´t otherwise agree to. You can counteract that ploy by saying, "You´re not trying to rush me into a decision, are you?" Not anymore, they´re not! / A woman approached me before a seminar and said, "I´m taking this course because I´m thinking about quitting my job. I work for a father / son law firm. Mr. Murphy Sr. will give me a stack of invoices to prepare, and fifteen minutes later, Murphy Jr. will stop by my desk and ask me to locate some legal files. An hour later Murphy Sr. gets angry because his invoices didn´t get mailed. Meanwhile, Murphy Jr. wants to know where the legal files are. I can´t take it anymore. They´re driving me crazy." / I recommended she mentally step outside the situation so she could see it objectively. I suggested she ask herself, "What´s happeninge here?" She observed, "They´re putting me in the middle." Then say that. The next time one of them gives you a conflicting assignment, speak up! Don´t suffer in silence or make best-guess decisions that keep getting you in hot water. Say courteously, "Don´t put me in the middle here. Your son [father] has asked me to work on a different project. If the two of you would please agree which has priority, I´ll be glad to get started on it." / Perturbed vs. Patient: "Patience is the companion of wisdom." -Saint Augustine / A bartender said a tough part of his job is getting hit up for complimentary drinks. He said, "I used to lose my patience because freeloaders put me in an awkward position. Now if someone tries to wheedle a freebie out of me, I just say, "You´re not asking me for a free drink, are you?" Or if minors are pressuring me to serve them, I say, "You wouldn´t want me to lose my job by selling drinks to someone under age, would you? Now that I know what to say, I don´t get perturbed anymore when someone puts the squeeze on me for a free beer." / A policeman added, "We use this Name te Game idea a lot, ´You wouldn´t be trying to bribe a police officer, would you?´ is ussually all it takes to stop someone in his tracks if he´s on the verge of suggesting something illegal." /Have you ever been the bearer of bad tidings? Did the recipient of the bad news dump his displeasure on you for reporting it, even if you had nothing to do with causing it? How to prevent this: Adopt the "Why are you taking it out on me?" posture. Shrug your shoulders, put both palms up and out in a "Why me?" gesture, and say plaintively, "Hey, don´t shoot the messenger."/ "Anger is momentary madness." observed the poet and stairist Horace. Most people will stop making you the object of their anger if they´re made aware of their madness./ Bypass Bickering: "Don´t fight forces. Use them." / Don´t fight forces, name them. Have you ever taken a long drive in the car with your family? If everyone starts bickering, remember to articulate rather than get angry about what´s happening. "We´re all hot and tired because we´ve been crammed in this car for four hours. We´ll be at the hotel in a few minutes. Let´s be civil to each other until then." / A woman offered, "My fiancé and I use a variation of the Name the Game idea. When we first met, he would ask me about the guys I used to go out with. He would become jealous. Then I´d get upset with him for bringing up something I didn´t want to talk about in the first place. It was breaking us apart. "Last month we agreed not to discuss the people we previously dated. We´re getting along great now because we don´t bring up former girlfriends or boyfriends. If we run into someone we used to see socially, we just look at each other and say, ´History.´ That one word keeps us from falling back into our old habits." / You´ve heard the saying, "Unless we learn form our histoy, we´re doomed to repeat it." This couple has not only learned from their history, they´ve learned that naming their history prevents them from repeating it./ Voice the Visceral: "Wit is the only wall between us and the dark." / Perhaps the best demonstration of Name the Game I´ve ever witnessed was given by radio announcer Karl Haas. Haas hosts a program called Adventures in Good Music, Haa´s deep bass voice is in itself a beautiful instrument, rich and resonant in tone, an immediately recognizable vocal signature./ Haas came to present a concert for his fans. The auditorium was filled with his loyal listeners, all eager to see their radio hero in person. The theater darkened, the stage lit up, everyone applauded enthusiastically, and out walked -to the crowd´s astonishment- a very short Karl Haas./ Everyone gasped. The radio personality had obviously received this startled reaction before and was ready with a witty response. A twinkle in his eye, he leaned toward the audience and confided, "I didn´t know what you looked like, either!? The audience roared. His clever handling of this potentially uncomfortable situation won over everyone in the room. The beauty of Haas´s Fun Fu! remark was that it named the game by expressing what everyone was thinking./ This technique of saying the unsayable works particularly well with children. I´ll always remember our boy´s first, very reluctant visit to the dentist. The friendly doctor came out to greet them, hunkered down to their level, and said, "I bet you don´t want to be here, do you?" Their eyes widened as he expressed exactly how they were feeling. "In fact, I bet you want to turn around and run right back out that door, don´t you?" They nodded in unison as he continued to voice their every fear. A minute later, they each took one of his hands and happily headed into the examination room with this man who so obviously understood how they felt. By articulating their apprehensions, he had neutralized their fears.// Action Plan for Naming the Game: You are the first female to work with a formerly all-male crew, and they are testing you. Some of them are telling jokes that are in questionable taste; others are intentionally giving you technically difficult jobs to see if you´re up to the task. What do you do? Words to Lose: You let their tactcs get to you and become irritated: “This is infantile behavior. Why don´t you grow up?” Words to Use: You recognize what they´re doing and choose to stay calm. “This just comes with the territory. I can handle it.” / Words to Lose: You allow them to intimidate you: “I don´t know how much longer I can stand this. I dread coming to work.” Words to Use: You resolve that they are not going to make you a victim: “I have a lot to offer, and I spent a lot of time and money training for this job. I´m not going to let them scare me off."/ Words to Lose: You let your voice become emotional, which tells them they´ve won: “I can do the work just as well as you can. Why do you have to make things so rough?" Words to Use: You can speak in a calm, confident voice, with a trace of knowing humor: “You wouldn´t be testing me now, would you?" / Words to Lose: You weakly defend yourself, which only rewards their bullying: “Come on, guys. Give me a break. Why don´t you just leave me alone and let me do my work?" Words to Use: You name the game, letting them know that you are aware of what they´re trying to do: “Checking me out, are you? I figured you´d want to see if the ´´little lady´ was up to the job." // Chapter 7 - Tongue Glue: "The real arto of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." - Dorothy Nevil / A popular T-shirt in Vermont has this legend: DON´T TALK UNLESS YOU CAN IMPROVE THE SILENCE. Wise advice, isn´t it? / It can be hard to keep quiet when you´ve been wronged. You may feel like telling the person responsible off. As Henry Ward Beecher said, though, "Speak when you´re angry - and you´ll make the best speech you´ll ever regret." This chapter teaches you how to hold your tongue (Tongue Glue) so it doesn´t get you into trouble./ Tact Equals Tongue in Check: "It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later." - Frankil D. Roosevelt / A seminar participant burst out laughing when I read the Roosevelt quote. He had learned this the hard way on a blind date. "In the first few awkward moments of exchanging life histories, I discovered my date used to live in my hometown. She asked if I had known Mrs. Walford, and without thinking I said, "That old hag? She was my high school English teacher." "I explained that I had hated her class and that she had flunked me. I noticed too late that my date had a funny expression on her face. When I finally would down, she said, ´Mrs Walford is my stepmother." Arggh! The evening went off downhill from there and couldn´t have been over soon enough for either of us."/ If only that young man had read Oscar Wilde before he went on that blind date. Wilde gives this description of one of his characters: "He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing." So before you mouth off, ask yourself if what you want to say could come back to haunt you. If there´s a possibility it could backfire, keep it to yourself./ Silence as a Diplomatic Tool: "A diplomat is someone who thinks twice before saying nothing." - Anonymous / Let´s use the example of a job interview to illustrate when and why it´s wise to keep your own counsel. Imagine the interviewer asks if you liked your former supervisor. Pretend the friction between you and your previous manager was the reason you resigned from the company./ Bad-mouthing your former boss, no matter how much he deserves it, would only reflect poorly on you. To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves. Even if the interviewer agrees with your observations, he will think less of you for being indescreet. He may worry that someday you will make the same kind of disparaging remarks about him. Anyone who gossips to you will gossip about you./ In this case, silence is indeed the better prt of valor. Valor is defined as "strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness." Resolve to act with integrity. Refuse to give in to the urge to "talk stink." No one will respect you for trashing a former employee. If your must say something, make it constructive. Sum up the realtionship by saying, "I learned a lot from him/her." This statement is undoubtedly true and is a more gracious way to express your feelings./ Keep Quiet: "Silence is the purveyour of power." -Tongue Fu´ism / Would you like to know another use for silence? If someone is being stubborn, a pause coupled with the question "So what do you suggest?" is an excellent way to persuade them to see your point of view./ Years ago, I was asked by the University of California at Los Angeles to present a workshop on concentration. I arrived at my hotel the evening before the program and asked for the box of handouts I expected to be waiting for me. The staff, after much searching reported they couldn´t find it. My only option was to re-create and duplicate the material that night./ This was before convenient 24-hour copy centers, so I was stymied until I spied a computer and Xerox machine in the hotel office. I explained my situation and asked to use their equipment. I promised to take good care of their porperty and offered to pay for its usage. The front-desk manager turned me down flat. In fact, you guess his rationale for rejecting my request: "If we let you use our computer, we´d have to let everybody use our computer." / I understood his reluctance. He didn´t know if I would misuse the equipment, and it was easier to say no than to say yes. I used the technique that has the power to move people out of a fixed position. I asked, "So what do you suggest?" and stopped talking./ The manager hemmed and hawed while I bit my tongue to keep from rescuing him. My silence compelled him to look at the situation from my point of view. It helped him own the problem so he felt some obligation to resolve it rather than brushing me off with a perfunctory refusal./ finally he relented. "All right, you can use our computer and Xerox machine. Just be careful!" I did, and I was./ I also took the time to write a letter to the general manager singling out the employee´s special service and expressing my appreciation for his assistance in my time of need. That follow-up letter was an important part of the process. I am not suggesting you use silence to unfairly get what you want. I believe such questions as "What do you suggest?" "What would you do if you were in my place?" and "How would you feel?" followed by silence are fair tools if you return the favor and keep your side of the bargain. They´re reverse Empaty Phrases in that hey cause the other person to see your perspective. You can use this method to get what you want as long as you´re mindful of the other person´s contributions and don´t take advantage of his largesse./ Silence can be more persuasive than the most eloquent speech./ If I had lambasted the hotel manager with all the reasons he should let me use his computer, I would have cemented his resistance. The longer I verbally strong-armed him, the more stubborn he would have become. Persistence can indeed pay off, yet it can also backfire. The squeaky wheel sometimes gets the grease, but sometimes it simply gets replaced. / Silence Vs. Strong-Arming: "There is much to be said for not saying much." - Frank Tyger / A portrait photographer who had recently moved her headquarters into a new office building called to report her success with this technique. Twice Sue had made an appointment to get new carpet installed, and both times the contractor had called at the last minute to cancel the appointment. They finally agreed to do the work three days before her grand opening. The big day arrived and she waited patiently for the workers. The agreed-upon hour came and went. Another two hours passed before the crew chief called to explain they were running behind (again) and wouldn´t be able to do the job until Monday./ Sue said she was about to let him have it when she remembered a better course of action was to hold him responsible with a question and silence. She said calmly and frimly that another delay was not acceptable, asked, "How would you feel if I had canceled on you three times?" and then clammed up. That question helped him face the fact that her refusal to accept another delay was justified./ The contractor tried once more to repeat his excuses. This time Sue asked, "What do you suggest I do with the seven sittings scheduled for Monday?" She gently persisted with her questions and the subsequent silence, refusing to rescue him. He finally installed the carpeting as agreed that day./ Sue said, "Before Tongue Fu!, I would have been reluctant to press the point. I would have caved in, said it was okay to postpone, and ended up victimized once again. The workshop taught me to be comfortable with a verbal vacuum, instead of rushing to fill it. As a result, I don´t let people off the hook and allow them to take advantage of my easygoing nature." / When to Use Silence: "Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute." Being comfortable with a long pause is especially important in negotiations. Imagine, once again, that you´re interviewing for a job and you´re asked for your salary requirements. If you tentatively reply, "Thirty-five thousand?" the interviewer will know you can be negotiated down. At that point, he may use silence on you and raise his eyebrows in a sign of disbelief as if to say, "You´ve got to be kidding." / Confronted with this reaction, you may retreat and add weakly, "But I´ll take thirty thousand because I really want to work here." Or you may hasten to justify that figure with "That´s what I was making before" or "That´s commensurate with salaries for similar positions at other companies." Your eagerness will be seen as a clear indication you´re willing to take less./ If, instead, you stat "Thirty-five thousand" in a sure voice, your speech ending with a downward inflection, your demand will be perceived as firm. If the interviewer tests you by not saying anything, maintain your poise. Sophisticated interviewers know the ability to stay silent under pressure indicates strength of character and a maturity that will make you an asset to their organization./ I believe Tongue Glue is one of the most important Tongue Fu! skills. Confucius wisely observed that "silence is a true friend who never betrays." You can be a friend to yourself by learning how to stay silent in situations where speaking would hurt, not help. // Action Plan for Tongue Glue: You are part of a communitiy association that is in the process of raising money for a swimming pool. You´re attending the monthly meeting, and board members are griping because the committee chair hasn´t taken any action. The discussion of the chair´s lack of performance turns personal, and several attendees bring up rumors they´ve heard through the grapevine about a pending bankruptcy and divorce. You´re asked your opinion of the man´s integrity. What do you do? Words to Lose: You speak before considering whether what you´re going to say will hurt. "I think he´s dropping the ball on this project. We´re way behind." Words to Use: You think before you speak so you don´t say something you´ll regret: "Will it help if I chip in with my opinion?" / Words to Lose: You join in on the gossip and contribute your negative experiences: "I heard hi wife moved out of their house, and took the three kids and the dog." Words to Use: You act with integrity and choose not to bad-mouth: "I´m going to keep quiet. I don´t have any firsthand knowledge as to why he hasn´t made progress on this." / Words to Lose: You put in your two cents worth, speaking ill of him in a way that could come back to haunt you: "He´s untrustworthy. What she saw in him, I´ll never know." Words to Use: You redirect the conversation to a more constructive topic, and refocus the group´s attention on other agenda items: "We have only half an hour left. Let´s move on to next point." // Chapter 8 - What to Say When You Don´t Know What to Say: "I have never been hut by anything I didn´t say." - Calvin Coolidge./ Would you like to know what to say when someone pulls the verbal rug out from beneath you? First, it´s important to know what not to say if you´re floored by someone´s hurtful remark. Don´t try to defend yourself with "That´s not true," and don´t deny their negative statement with "I don´t agree with that!" / Why? If someone hits you with an unexpected verbal blow and you lash back with an indignant denial, you´ve bought into his broadside. If someone says, "Why are you always on the defensive?" and you reply, "I am not on the defensive!," you´ve just substantiated his statement. If someone accuses a woman of being overly emotional and she objects with "I am not emotional!" she has just unintentionally proved the point./ Stop Using Stop: "The mind is literal and is unable to focus on the reverse of an idea." - Tonghe Fu´ism / A participant on one of my workshops objected, "This doesn´t make sense. How can saying something isn´t true corroborate it?" Great question! Understand that the mind doesn´t conjure up the opposite of what´s said. It hears what it hears. If you tell it not to do somehting or to stop doing something, it will produce the very thing you´re trying to avoid. A simple exercise demonstrates this: Please do not picture a tall fountain glass filled with a mouth-watering hot fudge sundae. Do not picture the mounds of delicious, melted chocolate rolling down the sides of the rich vanilla ice cream. Stop your mind from thinking about the stack of frothy white whipped cream topped with a bright red cherry. Son´t imagine dipping your long spoon into that delectable combination of yummy flavors, bringing it up to your lips, tasting it with the tip of your tongue./ Can you not do it? Your mind focuses on the word pictures and doesn´t heed the directives not, stop, and don´t. That is why championship athletes visualize what they want ("Get this first serve in") instead of what they don´t want ("Don´t double fault"). That is why professional coaches say, "Swing slow and steady," instead of "Stop swinging so fast." That is why musicians tell themselves to play softly rather than not so loud./ Use only positive words when talking to others and when talking to yourself. If a coworker warns, "Now don´t get mad..." and you reply, "I am not mad," you´ll be imprinting that perception. If someone tells you to stop being a wimp and you answer, "I am not a wimp," your use of his negative word reinforces the unflattering image./ Richard Nixon learned this the hard way. Remember when he gave the Checkers speech following allegations he had taken advantage of his office for personal gain? In a nationally televised interview, he tried to dispute these negative accusations by protesting, "I am not a crook." His attempt to repudiate this characterization did not help his status and only further solidified that unfavorable perception in some people´s minds./ This very important concept applies to al communication. A local television anchor closed his show one evening with the homily "There´s one sure way to make someone worry. Tell them not to." The same is true of other undesirable behaviors. What do you think will happen if you warn rowdy children to "stop fighting"? What will happen if you try to compose yourself by saying, "I am not going to cry"? What will happen if you tell employees to "stop coming in late"? / From this day forward, phrase communication to yourself and others positively: "The two of you need to treat each other with respect." "Iwill keep a Mona Lisa smile on my face." "Starting Monday, you need to be on time. When I say on time, I don´t mean on the property getting a cup of coffee, I mean at your desk ready to tak phone calls at eight A.M. sharp." / Answer a Question with a Question: "The greatest remedy for anger is delay." - Seneca / So how do you respond if someone takes the words right out of your mind? Put the conversational ball right back in their court with the phrase "What do you mean?" The beauty of that question is that it works on several levels. Asking "What do you mean?": ~ Gives you something to say. ~ Delays your anger and prevents you from reactiong to the attack. ~ Reveals the underlying issue so you can address what´s really going on. ~ Gives you time to compose yourself and collect your thoughts so you don´t say something you´ll regret. ~ Serves as an intelligent rather than an immature response./ It´s said envy is almost always based on a complete misunderstanding of the other person´s situation. So is anger. A participant in a previous class volunteered, "I used this last week and didn´t even realize it. All I know is, it worked!" She went on to explain the situation: "I was promoted from the ranks six months ago, and I´m now supervising my former peers. It´s a delicate situation, to put it mildly. One of my favorite employees walked into my office just before quitting time on Friday, closed the door, sat down, and told me he thought I was doing a terrible job as a supervisor. "I was flabbergasted. I pride myself on my people skills. I was about to explain I was doing the best I could, but I realized that would just come across as rationalization. Instead, I asked what he meant. "He said, ´Well, nobody knows what´s going on anymore. We haven´t had a staff meeting in weeks.´ I realized that lack of communication was what he was upset about, so we talked about how to keep everyone informed instead of whether or not I was a good supervisor." / Ignorant Vs. Informed? "Behind every argument lies someone´s ignorance." -Louis D. Brandeis./ A friend called a while back to say thanks. "My six-year-old marched up to me and announced he hated me and wished I wasn´t his mother. I was so hurt. My first thought was ´You ungrateful child, how can you say that to me after all I´ve done for you?´ I realized that wouldn´t help and remembered your suggestion to answer accusations with a question. So I asked "What do you mean." "He sobbed, ´All my friends get to stay overnight at the slumber party, and I have to come home. It´s not fair.´ Having uncovered the real reason he was upset, I was able to clarify that the reason he couldn´t sleep over was that we needed to leave early the next morning for his hockey game. Those four words kept me from putting my foot in my mouth and helped us have a decent discussion instead of my blindly reaction to his hurting comment."/ Seek the Source Vs. React to the Surface: "Ignorance is a voluntary misfortune." -Anonymous / The following anecdote gives further insight into why it´s important to uncover what´s causing a troublesome situation./ A schoolteacher walked into her classroom after a rainy weekend and discovered a puddle of water in the middle of the floor. She called the janitor and told him what was wrong. He came and mopped up the puddle. The next morning the scenario was repeated./ When the teacher walked in the third day to find yet another puddle, she called the head custodian and explained, "This is the third day in a row this has happened. Could you please come and take care of it?"/ When the wizened maintenance supervisor showed up a few minutes later, he didn´t even have a mop. The teacher asked with a puzzled look, "How are you going to mop up the puddle?" He replied, "I´m not. I´m going to fix the leak." / Too often when someone says or does something unfair or unkind, people "mop up the puddle." They react to what´s happened on the surface instead of seeking the source of the problem and repairing that./ Read Their Mind: "Tact is, after all, a kind of mind-reading." -Sarah Orne Jewett / Several years ago, I attended a wedding rehearsal. In the middle of the practice procession down the aisle, the five-year-old flower girl threw a tantrum and refused to continue. The mother took her daughter outside in an effort to discipline her./ They reentered the church a few minutes later only to have the child act up again. The embarrassed mother alternated between pleading for cooperation and issuing dire threats. Neither approach worked and the child continued to pout./ The bride and groom were running out of patience when the girl´s grandmother finally inquired, "Lisa, did you have a nap today?" The little girl shook her head. Aaaahhh! The real reason for her misbehavior. The older woman knew the obviously tired and overestimulated child needed sleep, not scolding. She gathered her granddaughter into her arms, took her to a pew in the back of the church, and sang her a soothing lullaby. The girl was asleep within minutes./ I felt fortunate to witness the grandmother´s wise handling of a tense situation. The mother was reacting to the behavior, frantically mopping up the puddle only to have it reappear. By "mindreading," being sensitive to what the little girl was feeling, the grandmother was able to figure out what was really going on and deal with it. It was a perfect example of someone who fixed the leak and eliminated the puddle./ What does this mean for you? If someone is misbehaving, you have a choice. You can complain or you can ask questions. You can often clarify the cause of the problem by putting the conversational ball back in their verbal court. "Why do you think that?" and "What do you mean?" are legitimate ways to identify the source of undesirable behavior, which can then be addressed./ [Action Plan for What to Say When You Don´t Know What To Say: Imagine you´ve had a hard day at work. All you can think about is coming home, kicking your shoes off, and relaxing in peace and quiet. As soon as you walk in the room, you can tell your spouse is upset. Over dinner you ask what´s wrong and she blurts out, "We never do anything fun anymore." This is the last thing you want to hear tonight, and you don´t know what to say. Words to Lose: You give an emotional denial (which may set up a "Yes we do/No we don´t argument). "We went to the county fair last weekend." Words to Use: You find out what´s really going on. "What do you mean?" / Words to Lose: You answer out of ignorance and respond immaturely. "We go out more than most couples." Words to Use: You take the intelligent option and seek information. "Why do you say that, hon?" / Words to Lose: You try to prove her wrong and engage in verbal warfare. "Didn´t I take you out to dinner and go to that movie you wanted to see?" Words to Use: You avoid a word war by not defending yourself. "What makes you think that?" / Words to Lose: You can reactto what´s happening on the surface and iss the point. "Listen, I work fifty hours a week. I don´t have the energy to go out and do stuff." Words to Use: You can seek the source of the ouburst and fix the leak. "So Barb and Bill are taking line dancing lessons, and..."] / Chapter 9 - Find Solutions, Not Fault "Our task is not to fix the blame for the past, but to fix the course for the future." -John F. Kennedy / Have you ever been part of a group discussion that deteriorated into name-calling and fault-finding? Not pleasant, is it?/ A woman said she had been in the middle of a blaming free-for-all the day before. "We were in our monthly staff meeting and our boss asked for the budget reports. Our accountant grimaced and reluctantly confessed he didn´t have them. Our CEO demanded to know why. "The accountant claimed it wasn´t his fault; the marketing division hadn´t submitted their final figures. The marketing director objected that he wasn´t the one who had held things up; he´d been waiting for the forecasts and they´d been sitting in data processing for a week. The DP rep said she had just received the paperwork a couple of days before, and hadn´t been able to sign off on the numbers because her supervisor was out of town... and back and forth they went." Halt Hostilities With This Hand Gesture "See problems as holes in the ground. You can dig deeper, or you can break new ground." - Anonymous./ From this day forward, understand that arguments have no constructive value. If you find yourself in a war of words, put your hand up (with fingers pointing skyward, palm facing forward) and stop what´s happening with the sentence "Let´s not do this." / Why use a hand gesture? It is the most effective way to get attention. If everyone is talking at once, no one can hear the voice of reason. Holding a hand as a police officer would to stop traffic is a universally understood signal to cease and desist Athletes can probably think of an alternate signal used in the sports world to stop unruly behavior. The T sign coaches and team captains use to call for a time-out is another way to stop the action./ Move the group onto higher ground by focusing on solutions. Say, "We could spend the rest of the afternoon arguing about why this wasn´t completed, but that won´t help us get the budget reports done on time. Instead, let´s focus on how we´re going to finish these today." / A city councilman said, "Normally I agree with this, but aren´t there times you have to assess blame? Our county recently went through an embarrassing financial scandal. If we don´t indicate who is responsible for embezzling the funds, we´ll all take the fall." This public official had brought up an important point In some litigious professions, you need to be cautious about indirectly accepting blame so you don´t open yourself to lawsuits (Tongue Sue!). If you´re in this situation, be sure to indicate that you are being forced to point the finger and that it is not your normal style. You can say, "I wish I didn´t have to do this because I don´t like to operate this way. Yet these unfortunate circumstances demand that we name the individual responsible for these illegal deeds so he will be held accountable for his actions. Then I want to focus on how we can keep this from happening again so we can reestablish a reputation of integrity." / Punish The Past Vs. Profit From It: "The ultimate in wisdom is to live in the present, plan for the future, and profit from the past." -Anonymous./ Arguments are a waste of time because you can´t change the past, you can only learn from it. From this day forward, as soon as people start quarreling, put your hand up and say, "This won´t help." Halt the hostilities before they produce casualties. Point out that verbally pummeling each other serves no good purpose; a more producitve use of time is to focus on how to accomplish the original objective. Move the group from a "Who did it?" frame of mind to an action-oriented "What can we do about it?" attitude./ A former program attendee reported she´d put this idea into practice with great results. When she and her family walked into practice with great results. When she and her family walked into their home after returning from spring vacation, they were met by a terrible odor. They finally discovered the source of the smell in the kitchen. Someone had left the refrigerator door wide open and all the food had spoiled./ Her husband demanded, "Who was the last person in the refrigerator?" and the blaming began. "You were the one who fixed a sandwich for the road." "That was before we even left. You were the one who came back in for a soda." "It wasn´t me. I wasn´t the last one out of the house." Everyone was accusing someone else of being the guilty party./ "Finally," the woman said, "I remembered your technique for putting the past in the past. I raised my hand and shouted. ´Time out´!´ Then I calmly stated. ´This doesn´t help. We could argue until the cows come home about who left the door open, and it won´t get this kitchen cleaned up, Instead, let´s all pitch in and take care of this mess. When we´re finished, we´ll figure out a system so when we leave for a trip, someone´s in charge of going around to make sure everything is closed up and shut off."/ Act As a Verbal Traffic Cop: "The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it." - Dale Carnegie / A participant added this image of how to avoid arguments. "It sounds as if we should act as verbal traffic cops. If people are about to have a communication crash, we´re supposed to stop them before they collide in a wreck of rhetoric." That´s true. When a discussion has deteriorated into a heated debate, the participants are headed for hurt. You may be an innocent bystander, however, it´s to everyone´s benefit for you to prevent the collision./ The key to doing this properly -so that you don´t offend anyone- is to use the word us or we. Your use of the word you ("You guys cut this out" or "Why don´t you stop passing the buck?") might embarrass the participants in front of their peers and give the impression that you are arrogantly separating yourself from them. By using such collective words as Let´s or We´ll, you are acting in the obvious best interests of the group. They will appreciate your intervening on their behalf./ Move From Reasons To Results: "At the moment of truth, there are either reasons or results." Glenda, a wise preschool teacher, taught me that my well-intentioned efforts to resolve my son´s squabbles were instead rewarding them. The more often I mediated their disagreements, the more quarrels they had. Why? Their altercations received a lot of attention from Mom. My sons had done a very good job of teaching me how to behave! / Glenda helped me realize that the attempt to find out who is responsible backfires by setting up a victim-and-tattletale syndrome. Digging for details encourages rather than eliminates this unhealthy setup. If kids start fighting, Glenda holds her hand up and asks the student involved to "make silence." "Make silence" is a much more effective command than "Stop talking" because it clearly indicates what the childre are to do and imprints the desired behavior. Glenda then separates the children who were fighting, explains their behavior is not appropriate, and asks them to play by themselves until they are ready to treat each other with respect./ Many parents complain in my Tongue Fu! workshops that they have to say things three or four times before their children listen. Parents can reverse the sad state of affairs by not repeating themselves. Say, "Children, give me your eyes," which is more compelling and specific than the abstract "pay attention." Pause until everyone is quiet and looking at you, and then state in a firm voice, "I will say this once. Share the toys or they will be put away. Now give each other some space and play like friends." If a child pipes up with, "But that´s not fair. He...," raise your eyebrows, not your voice. Simply put your hand up and open your eyes wide as if to say, "You really don´t want to do this, do you?" That is usally enough to let children know you mean what you say. Your refusal to dwell on wy a fight started shows children that actions, not excuses, are valued./ Sibling Rivalry Vs. Sibling Revelry: "Do you expect your children to get along, or do you hope they will?" / One happy mother wrote to say she had used this technique to turn her daughters´ sibling rivalry into sibling revelry. She said, "My girls used to snipe at each other constantly. I tried to referee their catfights, but instead of making things better, they would get mad at me for taking the other one´s side./ "the day after your workshop I called a family conference and explained I would no longer tolerate their senseless squabbles. I used your quote about finding solutions instead of fault, and explained that any time they started in on each other, I was going to stop them. At that point, they would have a choice; they could separate and go somewhere else, or they could focus on what they wanted from each other instead of what they didn´t want. "Of course they tested me. The next day, my youngest daughter threw a fit because her sister had worn her skirt without asking. My older girl accused her sibling of taking her favorite sweater to school, and they were off to the verbal races./ "I put my hand up and said, ´Girls...´ Do you know I didn´t have to say anything else? Without further prompting, they abandoned their bickering and set up rules about when it was okay to borrow clothes. Holding my hand up was all it took to remind them of our commitment to focus on results, not reasons./ Are you thinking, "I don´t have children, so this doesn´t apply to me?" A variation of this technique works with people of all ages. Understand that if you try to mediate between two friends who are on the outs, you may end up between the proverbial rock and hard place. Rather than getting drawn into who did what to whom, do everyone a favor and help them shelve the squabble. Put your hand up and say, "Hey, it´s over. Let´s not spoil our time together by rehashing old news." If you can, get everyone up and out of that room so they can literally figuratively move and put it behind them./ Action Plan for Finding Solutions, Not Fault: You are at the store buying groceries. After ringing up your cartload of purchases, the cashier says your credit card has been refused. Yu didn´t bring any checks or cash, so the store manager makes you return the food to the shelves. You are angry at your spouse for not paying the bills as promised and for putting you in this embarrasing position. What do you do? Words to Lose: You focus on the past and what went wrong, which serves no good purpose. "Why didn´t you pay the bills like you said you were going to?" Words to Use: You focus on the future and how to make it right -which has a constructive value. "Can you pay our Visa account today so I can use our card?" / Words to Lose: You dwell on excuses: why didn´t he pay the bills? "What do you mean, you didn´t have time? You should have mailed them last week." Words to Use: You turn your attention to what can be done from now on. "In the future, if we´re going to be late paying bills, could you tell me so I don´t use our credit card?" / Words to Lose: You bicker back and forth about who is to blame. "It´s your fault I was humiliated in front of everyone at the store. How can you say I should have checked with you first? How was I supposed to know?" Words to Use: You halt hostilities by putting a hand up and saying, "Let´s not do this." "Blaming each other won´t help. Instead, let´s focus on how we can make sure nothing like this happens again."/ Words to Lose: You argue about the reasons for the misbehavior. "It doesn´t matter if youpve been busy at work. That´s no exuse." Words to Use: You discuss the results and desired behavior you both want. "We´re on the same side. We both want to keep our account up-to-date."] // Part II - Words to Lose, Words to Use: While renting a car recently, I watched a situation that dramatically illustrates the damage that can be caused by the first Word to Lose. A woman approached the rental agent and said, "I´m Evelyn Jones and I´ve reserved a Ford Mustang." The employees checked his records and said, "Oh yes, Mrs. Jones, we have your reservation right here." Then, his voice faltering, he added, "But we don´t have any Ford mustangs left." The woman frowned. "How can this be? I phoned several weeks ago to reserve a Mustang." The agent replied, "I see that you did, but we rented them all out this morning." His customer was not happy. "I don´t understand. I took the time to call. You said you´d save one for me." "I know, but we had a new employee on the desk this morning, and she forgot to read the save list." When I left, they were still arguing. Why? The car rental agent kept using the word but, a word that negates what´s just been said and sets up an adversarial relationship. But acts as a verbal hammer and turns discussions into debates./ Connecting vs. Canceling Statements: "You can´t build a relationship with a hammer." Would you like to know how to construct a wonderful conversation peace= From this day forth, use the constructive word and instead of the destructive word but. The beauty of this word is that it builds on, rather than blocks out, what has just been said. It advances discussions rather than anchoring them in argument./ The agent could have graciously expedited the transaction if he had said, "You´re right Mrs. Jones, you did reserve a Ford Mustang, and I´m sorry we don´t have one available, and I´d like tu opgrade you to a higher model..." / Think about it. Doesn´t the word but often precede negative news? You did a nice job on this but..." "I know we said it would take only fifteen minutes, but..." The word evokes an uh-oh response because listeners know they´re about to hear something they´d rather not. "I realize how much you need this loan, but..." means "You´re not getting the loan." People disregard whatever goes before a but because they know that what follows the word is what´s going to have an impact on them./ The word and lets both statements stand, even if they are diametrically opposed to one another. "You did a nice job on this, and could you please add a sentence asking them if they could..." "I know I said it would take only fifteen minutes, and I´m sorry it´s taking longer. Our computers will be back on line shortly, and then we can..." "I would like to grant your loan request, and if you could provide tax records of..." / But Erases, And Acknowledges: "Of course I´m yelling. That´s because I´m wrong.!" This quote could be modified to read, "Of course I´m yelling. That´s because you´re making me wrong!" The word but minimizes the importance of what someone has just said. "That´s a good point, but..." is essentially saying "You´re in error." The person who has just had his statement discounted is likely to protest./ An English teacher wrote to say what a startling discovery this was for her: I´ve been an educator for twenty years. I´ve always thought and taught that the word "but" is a conjunction that joins sentences or phrases. You showed me it doesn´t join sentences, it jars sentences. I looked up the word "jar" and it means a "state of discord or conflict." "But" doesn´t connect statements, it sets up a conflict between them because it doesn´t give equal value to what´s said before and after it. My classes studies how this word is used and they all came to the same conclusion... "but" means bad news. "I know you want to use the car, but ..." "I´d like to add you to the team, but ...," "You almost passed the test, but..." "I want to go to the prom with you, but... " & My students and I have resolved to get rid of the "Bado New But." I brought this up to my fellow teachers at our weekly meeting and they´ve all agreed to change their curriculum to reflect ths "revolutionary insight. It´s clear to me that our mandate to teach language goes beyond spelling, pronunciation, and grammar. It also includes selecting words that support rather than sabotage our efforts to communicate constructively./ Differences of Opinion vs. Debates: "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time." A variation on this observation is that the test of a first-rate relationship is the ability of the people involved to hold opposing ideas at the same time without becoming opponents. It can be done as long as the couples uses the word and. As soon as one person uses the word but, the implication is "my way is better than your way, and your way is wrong."/ I sometimes ask participants in my workshops to pair off, with one partner taking the position that being single is best and the other maintaining that marriage is the only way to go. I ask them to discuss the ideal status with each trying to convince the other to change his mind. A tipical conversation runs like this: "How can you even think of living with te same person all the time? That´s so boring. When you´re single you have the freedom to got where you want when you want whit whoever you want." "Yeah, but that gets old after a while. ´What´s really great is to know you´ve got someone who cares whether or not you com home at night." "But marriage means you´re trapped. If you want to get out, you´re locked into mortgages, bills, and alimony." "Maybe, but your yuppie lifestyle is so frivolous. There´s more to life than partying every night." After five minutes , I stop the exercise and ask participants for feedback. They usually observe that even though they were playing a role, they found themselves getting increasingly exasperated with their partner. Iask how often the word but came up. Many of them realize they employed it almost every time they spoke. Without being aware of it. They refuted what the other person said before offering their point of view. They realized that use of the word but sets up a Ping-Pong style of conversation in which neither person really listens./ I ask them to continue the discussion, substituting and for but. Without deliberately trying, they find their conversation becoming more courteous and less contentious. "You´re right, it is fun to be spontaneous and to do things on the spur of the moment, and it´s also nice to have children who think you are the greatest thing in the world." "I can understand the need to settle down and have more permanence in your life, and wouldn´t you prefer to be footloose and fancy-free?" / Participants are amazed at the difference. Instead of trying to make the other person "see the error of his ways," they start acknowledging and treatin other´s beliefs with respect./ If you´re having a disagreement with someone, you´re probably both using the word but. But perpetuates conflicts, and prevents them; but causes resentment, and creates rapport. From now on, use and to connect what´s being said and you´ll be able to discuss controversial ideas without having your conversation turn into a contest./ [Action Plan for Acknowledge, Don´t Argue: You want a dog, your partner doesn´t. This has become a heated issue for you, and you´ve decided to make an all-out effort to prove that having a pet would be a good idea. How do you handle the conversation? Words to Lose: You use a weapon word that triggers a negative reaction. "I know you don´t like pets, but I do" Words to Use: You use positive phrasing to keep the conversation constructive. "I realize you don´t want a dog, and it´s important to me." / Words to Lose: You use the word but which sets up an adversarial relationship. "You say you don´t want the hassle, but I´m the one who´s going to be responsible for him." Words to Use: You use the word and, which acknowledges your partner´s point of view. "I realize you don´t have the time to walk him, and I´ll take care of that." / Words to Lose: You continue to use the word but, which bogs the discussion down because it cancels what your partner is saying. "I hear what you´re saying, but I don´t see why you´re being so stubborn about this." Words to Use: You continue to use the word and, which moves the discussion along and connects what´s being said. " I understand how you feel, and I think we can work it so your concerns don´t materialize." / Words to Lose: You continue to use the word but, whic erases your partner´s point. "You say vet bills are expensive, but he´s not going to get sick, so stop worrying." Words to Use: You use the word and, which acknowledges your partner´s point. "I hear what you´re saying, and we´ll make sure he gets his shots so he stays healthy."] / "Mistakes Are Doorways To Discovery." -Tongue Fu´ism / Chapter 11 - Become a Coach, Not a Critic: What do you do when someone makes a mistake? Do you correct the person by telling her what she should have done? / Here´s a story illustrating the damaging impact of the word should, and the dramatic difference using an alternative can make./ My friend Charlie is the football coach at a local high school. Several years ago, his team was tied with another for the league championship. Their final game of the season was a cliff-hanger against the very team they were tied with. The score was 14-14 in the fourth quarter; Charlie´s team had the ball and was marching downfield. Their quarterback threw a long pass, and their best receiver (Charlie´s son, Johnny) was racing down the sidelines in perfect position to catch the throw./ Just before catching the ball, Johnny did something he´d been told a hundred times never to do: he glanced back over his shoulder to see how close the defender was. The football missed his outstrectched fingers and fell to the ground. The dismayed teenager trudged back to the bench, his head down and shoulders slumped./ Charlie was so caught up in the emotion of the game, he stoodover his son and shouted, "You idiot! You should have kept your eyes on the ball. What were you thinking? That was a touchdown pass. You had the game in your hands, and blew it." / He continued berating the boy until his dejected son could take no more. Johnny stood up to his dad and said defensively, "Get off my case, Dad. I didn´t mean to do it. I never want to play for you again." / The humiliated teen caught a ride home with a friend after the game and went directly upstairs to his room without speaking to his father./ Stop "Shoulding" on People: "Nothing is a waste of time if you use the waste of time if you use the experiment wisely." - Auguste Rodin. / Charlie called me the next morning to talk about what had happened. He said, "I know I just made matters worse. But what can you say when someone pulls such a dumb stunt?" / I asked Charlie, "Do you know anyone who can undo the past? If someone makes a mistake and we tell them what they did wrong they will resent us even if we´re right because they can´t do anything about it. / "Strike the word should from your vocabulary -it has little or no constructive value. You´ve heard the expression los face? Do you know what losing face is? It´s losing dignity. If we tell someone what they were sopposed to have done, they feel helpless because they can´t erase their error./ "When someone makes a mistake you can lash out or you can look for the lesson. Since your son can´t take back that missed pass, the only thing he can do is learn from it. Instead of obsessing about what happened and retreating or withdrawing, he can turn that embarrasing moment into a useful experience by extracting the valu en moving on." / I ran into Charlie weeks later and he reported that not only had he apologized to his son for blowing up at him, he had used that disappointing occurrence to shape his interactions with the rest of the team and with his family. "I realized that we all make mistakes and that your advice is the difference between being a coach and a critic. Now when someone does something wrong, I don´t scold them with the word should. I immediately suggest how they can do it right next time or from now on." / Look for the Lesson: "When you´re sad, learn something." - Merlin / Imagine someone says to you, "YOu should have completed this paperwork first." "You should have E-mailed that agenda to me." "You should have brought your car in earlier." / Do you feel as if you´re being reprimanded? This after-the-fact advice causes resentment because the person is verbally beating a dead horse. Even if what is being suggested is true, it´s tactless. The word should is the verbal equivalent of a parent shaking an index finger at a child for messing up./ Imagin how you would feel if instead of punishing you for the past, that person focused on the future. Imagine how you would respond if the person pointed out how you could keep the error from happening again, instead of penalizing you for erring in hte first place. "Next time, if you could please fill out the paperwork first, we can expedite your visit." "In th future, could you please E-mail the agendas to me in advance?" "From now on, if your oil light comes on, you might want to bring your car in so we can check it before your engine is damaged." / Shaming vs. Shaping Behavior: "The secret of education lies in respecting the pupil." - Ralph Waldo Emerson / A participant in one workshop commented, "I think this idea of coaching instead of censuring is an important quality of a leader.My first supervisor had a plaque above his desk that said, ALL EXPERIENCE IS EDUCATION FOR THE SOUL. He taught me to shape behavior rather than shame it. If my employees do something wrong, I askk what they are going to do about it now instead of dwelling on why they didn´t do what they were told to do./ "I had an opportunity to practice what I preach last week. A new employee misused one of our software programs and crashed our computer. It dropped our entire inventory. On top of that, she doubled the damage by not saving our files with backup discs. The shoulds were on the tip of my tongue: "You should have told us you didn´t know how to access that database," "You should have left the computer on when it bombed instead of shutting it down." / "Fortunately, my manager´s wise advice, "Shape, don´t shame," kept ringing in my head. Instead of ripping into her and making her feel worse, I asked what she had learned. She confessed shie didn´t understand how to use the computer, apologized for her costly mistake, and offered to do what she could to make amends. I said it wouldn´t do any good to ´cry over spilt records,´ and that a better use of our time was to focus on how we were going to retireve our files. "She came into my office later that day, thanked me for the way I had handled her blunder, and asked if she could attend training classes so she wouldn´t jeopardize our system again. She said, "If I had done something like this at my previous job, my boss would still be yelling at me. That´s one of the reasonos I left that company; I couldn´t take his abusive behavior anymore. Thank you for treating me like a human being.´" / "It is a common mistake to think failure is the enemy of success," noted Thomas J Watson, Sr. "Failure is a teacher -a harsh one, but the best. Pur failure to work for you." The next time you or someone around you makes a mistake, put it to work for you rather than letting it work against you. Turn traumatic events into teachers and you can emerge a better, rather than a bitter person./ [Action Plan for Becoming a Coach, Not a Critic: Your child brings his report card home. You´re shocked to see he has flunked math. You didn´t have any idea he was having trouble with the subject, and you´re concerend his failing grade will affect his college eligibility. How do you talk to your son about this? Words to Lose: You focus on the mistake and scold him for what he did wrong: "Why didn´t you tell me you were having problems with math? Words to Use: You focus on the lesson and ask how he can do it right. "What are you going to do to bring this grade up?" / Words to Lose: You use the word should and try to make him ashamed of his behavior. "You should have studied harder instead of watching so much TV." Words to Use: You use the words from now on and shape his behavior: "From now one, the TV doesn´t go on until homework is finished." / Words to Lose: Words to Use: / Words to Lose: Words to Use: ] //



PÁGINA 81 INICIO DE DONDE ESTA EL CIRCULO




"Is this the best you can do?"
When people are being difficult, it doesn´t help to get back, get mad, or get even.
Tongue Fu! is not just about handling unfair or unkind behavior. It´s more a philosophy of life, a way to communicate that can help you get along better with everyone both on and off the job. You´ll learn how to prevent conflicts and produce cooperation and how to choose to stay kind even if others are being inconsiderate or cruel.


TIMES NEW ROMAN 8 NORMAL