TONGUE FU FROM PAGE 11

Make The Covert Overt: “I destroy my enema by making him my friend.” - Abraham Lincoln. / Tongue Fu! Is about finess, not fighting. Our goal is to enutralize, not destroy agresión by bringing their negative tactics to light./ My husband was looking for a family car. After visiting car dealerships for several weekends, he counid exactly what he wanted. He was ready to sign the contract when the salesman said, “I´ll be right back. I´ve got to clear this price with my manager.” After waiting for almos twenty minutes, my husband realized the employee was pulling the good guy / bad guy routine. The salesman must have noticed how much Lies liquen the van, so he decided to let him sit for a while. The salesman probable figured that if Les didn´t know whether the deal was gong to be approved, he´d grow anxious and be huillín to pay more. Sure enough, that was the salesman´s intent. He fináis returned and insincerely apologized. “Gee, I´m sorry this took so long. I traed to wrangle my boss down, but he insists we get $16,000 for that van. He says we are already living a bargain price,and we can´t let it go for any less.” My husband named the game. He wanted to make a point, not an enema, so he calmly and firmly told the salesman, “I know you have the autoriíta to set the price. If you´d like to sell that car, I´m ready to sign a contract for $14,500 right now. If not, I´ll have to take my business someteré else.” The salesman rather sheepishly agreed to the original price, all the while muttering under his breath that he was gong to take a lot of guff from his supervisor. He knew he´d been caught out./ Thwart Tactics: "Patience is never more important than when you´re on the verge of losing it." - Anonymous / What if people are pressuring you to make a decision? They are probably hoping that in your haste, you´ll make concessions you wouldn´t otherwise agree to. You can counteract that ploy by saying, "You´re not trying to rush me into a decision, are you?" Not anymore, they´re not! / A woman approached me before a seminar and said, "I´m taking this course because I´m thinking about quitting my job. I work for a father / son law firm. Mr. Murphy Sr. will give me a stack of invoices to prepare, and fifteen minutes later, Murphy Jr. will stop by my desk and ask me to locate some legal files. An hour later Murphy Sr. gets angry because his invoices didn´t get mailed. Meanwhile, Murphy Jr. wants to know where the legal files are. I can´t take it anymore. They´re driving me crazy." / I recommended she mentally step outside the situation so she could see it objectively. I suggested she ask herself, "What´s happeninge here?" She observed, "They´re putting me in the middle." Then say that. The next time one of them gives you a conflicting assignment, speak up! Don´t suffer in silence or make best-guess decisions that keep getting you in hot water. Say courteously, "Don´t put me in the middle here. Your son [father] has asked me to work on a different project. If the two of you would please agree which has priority, I´ll be glad to get started on it." / Perturbed vs. Patient: "Patience is the companion of wisdom." -Saint Augustine / A bartender said a tough part of his job is getting hit up for complimentary drinks. He said, "I used to lose my patience because freeloaders put me in an awkward position. Now if someone tries to wheedle a freebie out of me, I just say, "You´re not asking me for a free drink, are you?" Or if minors are pressuring me to serve them, I say, "You wouldn´t want me to lose my job by selling drinks to someone under age, would you? Now that I know what to say, I don´t get perturbed anymore when someone puts the squeeze on me for a free beer." / A policeman added, "We use this Name te Game idea a lot, ´You wouldn´t be trying to bribe a police officer, would you?´ is ussually all it takes to stop someone in his tracks if he´s on the verge of suggesting something illegal." /Have you ever been the bearer of bad tidings? Did the recipient of the bad news dump his displeasure on you for reporting it, even if you had nothing to do with causing it? How to prevent this: Adopt the "Why are you taking it out on me?" posture. Shrug your shoulders, put both palms up and out in a "Why me?" gesture, and say plaintively, "Hey, don´t shoot the messenger."/ "Anger is momentary madness." observed the poet and stairist Horace. Most people will stop making you the object of their anger if they´re made aware of their madness./ Bypass Bickering: "Don´t fight forces. Use them." / Don´t fight forces, name them. Have you ever taken a long drive in the car with your family? If everyone starts bickering, remember to articulate rather than get angry about what´s happening. "We´re all hot and tired because we´ve been crammed in this car for four hours. We´ll be at the hotel in a few minutes. Let´s be civil to each other until then." / A woman offered, "My fiancé and I use a variation of the Name the Game idea. When we first met, he would ask me about the guys I used to go out with. He would become jealous. Then I´d get upset with him for bringing up something I didn´t want to talk about in the first place. It was breaking us apart. "Last month we agreed not to discuss the people we previously dated. We´re getting along great now because we don´t bring up former girlfriends or boyfriends. If we run into someone we used to see socially, we just look at each other and say, ´History.´ That one word keeps us from falling back into our old habits." / You´ve heard the saying, "Unless we learn form our histoy, we´re doomed to repeat it." This couple has not only learned from their history, they´ve learned that naming their history prevents them from repeating it./ Voice the Visceral: "Wit is the only wall between us and the dark." / Perhaps the best demonstration of Name the Game I´ve ever witnessed was given by radio announcer Karl Haas. Haas hosts a program called Adventures in Good Music, Haa´s deep bass voice is in itself a beautiful instrument, rich and resonant in tone, an immediately recognizable vocal signature./ Haas came to present a concert for his fans. The auditorium was filled with his loyal listeners, all eager to see their radio hero in person. The theater darkened, the stage lit up, everyone applauded enthusiastically, and out walked -to the crowd´s astonishment- a very short Karl Haas./ Everyone gasped. The radio personality had obviously received this startled reaction before and was ready with a witty response. A twinkle in his eye, he leaned toward the audience and confided, "I didn´t know what you looked like, either!? The audience roared. His clever handling of this potentially uncomfortable situation won over everyone in the room. The beauty of Haas´s Fun Fu! remark was that it named the game by expressing what everyone was thinking./ This technique of saying the unsayable works particularly well with children. I´ll always remember our boy´s first, very reluctant visit to the dentist. The friendly doctor came out to greet them, hunkered down to their level, and said, "I bet you don´t want to be here, do you?" Their eyes widened as he expressed exactly how they were feeling. "In fact, I bet you want to turn around and run right back out that door, don´t you?" They nodded in unison as he continued to voice their every fear. A minute later, they each took one of his hands and happily headed into the examination room with this man who so obviously understood how they felt. By articulating their apprehensions, he had neutralized their fears.// Action Plan for Naming the Game: You are the first female to work with a formerly all-male crew, and they are testing you. Some of them are telling jokes that are in questionable taste; others are intentionally giving you technically difficult jobs to see if you´re up to the task. What do you do? Words to Lose: You let their tactcs get to you and become irritated: “This is infantile behavior. Why don´t you grow up?” Words to Use: You recognize what they´re doing and choose to stay calm. “This just comes with the territory. I can handle it.” / Words to Lose: You allow them to intimidate you: “I don´t know how much longer I can stand this. I dread coming to work.” Words to Use: You resolve that they are not going to make you a victim: “I have a lot to offer, and I spent a lot of time and money training for this job. I´m not going to let them scare me off."/ Words to Lose: You let your voice become emotional, which tells them they´ve won: “I can do the work just as well as you can. Why do you have to make things so rough?" Words to Use: You can speak in a calm, confident voice, with a trace of knowing humor: “You wouldn´t be testing me now, would you?" / Words to Lose: You weakly defend yourself, which only rewards their bullying: “Come on, guys. Give me a break. Why don´t you just leave me alone and let me do my work?" Words to Use: You name the game, letting them know that you are aware of what they´re trying to do: “Checking me out, are you? I figured you´d want to see if the ´´little lady´ was up to the job." // Chapter 7 - Tongue Glue: "The real arto of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." - Dorothy Nevil / A popular T-shirt in Vermont has this legend: DON´T TALK UNLESS YOU CAN IMPROVE THE SILENCE. Wise advice, isn´t it? / It can be hard to keep quiet when you´ve been wronged. You may feel like telling the person responsible off. As Henry Ward Beecher said, though, "Speak when you´re angry - and you´ll make the best speech you´ll ever regret." This chapter teaches you how to hold your tongue (Tongue Glue) so it doesn´t get you into trouble./ Tact Equals Tongue in Check: "It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later." - Frankil D. Roosevelt / A seminar participant burst out laughing when I read the Roosevelt quote. He had learned this the hard way on a blind date. "In the first few awkward moments of exchanging life histories, I discovered my date used to live in my hometown. She asked if I had known Mrs. Walford, and without thinking I said, "That old hag? She was my high school English teacher." "I explained that I had hated her class and that she had flunked me. I noticed too late that my date had a funny expression on her face. When I finally would down, she said, ´Mrs Walford is my stepmother." Arggh! The evening went off downhill from there and couldn´t have been over soon enough for either of us."/ If only that young man had read Oscar Wilde before he went on that blind date. Wilde gives this description of one of his characters: "He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing." So before you mouth off, ask yourself if what you want to say could come back to haunt you. If there´s a possibility it could backfire, keep it to yourself./ Silence as a Diplomatic Tool: "A diplomat is someone who thinks twice before saying nothing." - Anonymous / Let´s use the example of a job interview to illustrate when and why it´s wise to keep your own counsel. Imagine the interviewer asks if you liked your former supervisor. Pretend the friction between you and your previous manager was the reason you resigned from the company./ Bad-mouthing your former boss, no matter how much he deserves it, would only reflect poorly on you. To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves. Even if the interviewer agrees with your observations, he will think less of you for being indescreet. He may worry that someday you will make the same kind of disparaging remarks about him. Anyone who gossips to you will gossip about you./ In this case, silence is indeed the better prt of valor. Valor is defined as "strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness." Resolve to act with integrity. Refuse to give in to the urge to "talk stink." No one will respect you for trashing a former employee. If your must say something, make it constructive. Sum up the realtionship by saying, "I learned a lot from him/her." This statement is undoubtedly true and is a more gracious way to express your feelings./ Keep Quiet: "Silence is the purveyour of power." -Tongue Fu´ism / Would you like to know another use for silence? If someone is being stubborn, a pause coupled with the question "So what do you suggest?" is an excellent way to persuade them to see your point of view./ Years ago, I was asked by the University of California at Los Angeles to present a workshop on concentration. I arrived at my hotel the evening before the program and asked for the box of handouts I expected to be waiting for me. The staff, after much searching reported they couldn´t find it. My only option was to re-create and duplicate the material that night./ This was before convenient 24-hour copy centers, so I was stymied until I spied a computer and Xerox machine in the hotel office. I explained my situation and asked to use their equipment. I promised to take good care of their porperty and offered to pay for its usage. The front-desk manager turned me down flat. In fact, you guess his rationale for rejecting my request: "If we let you use our computer, we´d have to let everybody use our computer." / I understood his reluctance. He didn´t know if I would misuse the equipment, and it was easier to say no than to say yes. I used the technique that has the power to move people out of a fixed position. I asked, "So what do you suggest?" and stopped talking./ The manager hemmed and hawed while I bit my tongue to keep from rescuing him. My silence compelled him to look at the situation from my point of view. It helped him own the problem so he felt some obligation to resolve it rather than brushing me off with a perfunctory refusal./ finally he relented. "All right, you can use our computer and Xerox machine. Just be careful!" I did, and I was./ I also took the time to write a letter to the general manager singling out the employee´s special service and expressing my appreciation for his assistance in my time of need. That follow-up letter was an important part of the process. I am not suggesting you use silence to unfairly get what you want. I believe such questions as "What do you suggest?" "What would you do if you were in my place?" and "How would you feel?" followed by silence are fair tools if you return the favor and keep your side of the bargain. They´re reverse Empaty Phrases in that hey cause the other person to see your perspective. You can use this method to get what you want as long as you´re mindful of the other person´s contributions and don´t take advantage of his largesse./ Silence can be more persuasive than the most eloquent speech./ If I had lambasted the hotel manager with all the reasons he should let me use his computer, I would have cemented his resistance. The longer I verbally strong-armed him, the more stubborn he would have become. Persistence can indeed pay off, yet it can also backfire. The squeaky wheel sometimes gets the grease, but sometimes it simply gets replaced. / Silence Vs. Strong-Arming: "There is much to be said for not saying much." - Frank Tyger / A portrait photographer who had recently moved her headquarters into a new office building called to report her success with this technique. Twice Sue had made an appointment to get new carpet installed, and both times the contractor had called at the last minute to cancel the appointment. They finally agreed to do the work three days before her grand opening. The big day arrived and she waited patiently for the workers. The agreed-upon hour came and went. Another two hours passed before the crew chief called to explain they were running behind (again) and wouldn´t be able to do the job until Monday./ Sue said she was about to let him have it when she remembered a better course of action was to hold him responsible with a question and silence. She said calmly and frimly that another delay was not acceptable, asked, "How would you feel if I had canceled on you three times?" and then clammed up. That question helped him face the fact that her refusal to accept another delay was justified./ The contractor tried once more to repeat his excuses. This time Sue asked, "What do you suggest I do with the seven sittings scheduled for Monday?" She gently persisted with her questions and the subsequent silence, refusing to rescue him. He finally installed the carpeting as agreed that day./ Sue said, "Before Tongue Fu!, I would have been reluctant to press the point. I would have caved in, said it was okay to postpone, and ended up victimized once again. The workshop taught me to be comfortable with a verbal vacuum, instead of rushing to fill it. As a result, I don´t let people off the hook and allow them to take advantage of my easygoing nature." / When to Use Silence: "Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute." Being comfortable with a long pause is especially important in negotiations. Imagine, once again, that you´re interviewing for a job and you´re asked for your salary requirements. If you tentatively reply, "Thirty-five thousand?" the interviewer will know you can be negotiated down. At that point, he may use silence on you and raise his eyebrows in a sign of disbelief as if to say, "You´ve got to be kidding." / Confronted with this reaction, you may retreat and add weakly, "But I´ll take thirty thousand because I really want to work here." Or you may hasten to justify that figure with "That´s what I was making before" or "That´s commensurate with salaries for similar positions at other companies." Your eagerness will be seen as a clear indication you´re willing to take less./ If, instead, you stat "Thirty-five thousand" in a sure voice, your speech ending with a downward inflection, your demand will be perceived as firm. If the interviewer tests you by not saying anything, maintain your poise. Sophisticated interviewers know the ability to stay silent under pressure indicates strength of character and a maturity that will make you an asset to their organization./ I believe Tongue Glue is one of the most important Tongue Fu! skills. Confucius wisely observed that "silence is a true friend who never betrays." You can be a friend to yourself by learning how to stay silent in situations where speaking would hurt, not help. // Action Plan for Tongue Glue: You are part of a communitiy association that is in the process of raising money for a swimming pool. You´re attending the monthly meeting, and board members are griping because the committee chair hasn´t taken any action. The discussion of the chair´s lack of performance turns personal, and several attendees bring up rumors they´ve heard through the grapevine about a pending bankruptcy and divorce. You´re asked your opinion of the man´s integrity. What do you do? Words to Lose: You speak before considering whether what you´re going to say will hurt. "I think he´s dropping the ball on this project. We´re way behind." Words to Use: You think before you speak so you don´t say something you´ll regret: "Will it help if I chip in with my opinion?" / Words to Lose: You join in on the gossip and contribute your negative experiences: "I heard hi wife moved out of their house, and took the three kids and the dog." Words to Use: You act with integrity and choose not to bad-mouth: "I´m going to keep quiet. I don´t have any firsthand knowledge as to why he hasn´t made progress on this." / Words to Lose: You put in your two cents worth, speaking ill of him in a way that could come back to haunt you: "He´s untrustworthy. What she saw in him, I´ll never know." Words to Use: You redirect the conversation to a more constructive topic, and refocus the group´s attention on other agenda items: "We have only half an hour left. Let´s move on to next point." // Chapter 8 - What to Say When You Don´t Know What to Say: "I have never been hut by anything I didn´t say." - Calvin Coolidge./ Would you like to know what to say when someone pulls the verbal rug out from beneath you? First, it´s important to know what not to say if you´re floored by someone´s hurtful remark. Don´t try to defend yourself with "That´s not true," and don´t deny their negative statement with "I don´t agree with that!" / Why? If someone hits you with an unexpected verbal blow and you lash back with an indignant denial, you´ve bought into his broadside. If someone says, "Why are you always on the defensive?" and you reply, "I am not on the defensive!," you´ve just substantiated his statement. If someone accuses a woman of being overly emotional and she objects with "I am not emotional!" she has just unintentionally proved the point./ Stop Using Stop: "The mind is literal and is unable to focus on the reverse of an idea." - Tonghe Fu´ism / A participant on one of my workshops objected, "This doesn´t make sense. How can saying something isn´t true corroborate it?" Great question! Understand that the mind doesn´t conjure up the opposite of what´s said. It hears what it hears. If you tell it not to do somehting or to stop doing something, it will produce the very thing you´re trying to avoid. A simple exercise demonstrates this: Please do not picture a tall fountain glass filled with a mouth-watering hot fudge sundae. Do not picture the mounds of delicious, melted chocolate rolling down the sides of the rich vanilla ice cream. Stop your mind from thinking about the stack of frothy white whipped cream topped with a bright red cherry. Son´t imagine dipping your long spoon into that delectable combination of yummy flavors, bringing it up to your lips, tasting it with the tip of your tongue./ Can you not do it? Your mind focuses on the word pictures and doesn´t heed the directives not, stop, and don´t. That is why championship athletes visualize what they want ("Get this first serve in") instead of what they don´t want ("Don´t double fault"). That is why professional coaches say, "Swing slow and steady," instead of "Stop swinging so fast." That is why musicians tell themselves to play softly rather than not so loud./ Use only positive words when talking to others and when talking to yourself. If a coworker warns, "Now don´t get mad..." and you reply, "I am not mad," you´ll be imprinting that perception. If someone tells you to stop being a wimp and you answer, "I am not a wimp," your use of his negative word reinforces the unflattering image./ Richard Nixon learned this the hard way. Remember when he gave the Checkers speech following allegations he had taken advantage of his office for personal gain? In a nationally televised interview, he tried to dispute these negative accusations by protesting, "I am not a crook." His attempt to repudiate this characterization did not help his status and only further solidified that unfavorable perception in some people´s minds./ This very important concept applies to al communication. A local television anchor closed his show one evening with the homily "There´s one sure way to make someone worry. Tell them not to." The same is true of other undesirable behaviors. What do you think will happen if you warn rowdy children to "stop fighting"? What will happen if you try to compose yourself by saying, "I am not going to cry"? What will happen if you tell employees to "stop coming in late"? / From this day forward, phrase communication to yourself and others positively: "The two of you need to treat each other with respect." "Iwill keep a Mona Lisa smile on my face." "Starting Monday, you need to be on time. When I say on time, I don´t mean on the property getting a cup of coffee, I mean at your desk ready to tak phone calls at eight A.M. sharp." / Answer a Question with a Question: "The greatest remedy for anger is delay." - Seneca / So how do you respond if someone takes the words right out of your mind? Put the conversational ball right back in their court with the phrase "What do you mean?" The beauty of that question is that it works on several levels. Asking "What do you mean?": ~ Gives you something to say. ~ Delays your anger and prevents you from reactiong to the attack. ~ Reveals the underlying issue so you can address what´s really going on. ~ Gives you time to compose yourself and collect your thoughts so you don´t say something you´ll regret. ~ Serves as an intelligent rather than an immature response./ It´s said envy is almost always based on a complete misunderstanding of the other person´s situation. So is anger. A participant in a previous class volunteered, "I used this last week and didn´t even realize it. All I know is, it worked!" She went on to explain the situation: "I was promoted from the ranks six months ago, and I´m now supervising my former peers. It´s a delicate situation, to put it mildly. One of my favorite employees walked into my office just before quitting time on Friday, closed the door, sat down, and told me he thought I was doing a terrible job as a supervisor. "I was flabbergasted. I pride myself on my people skills. I was about to explain I was doing the best I could, but I realized that would just come across as rationalization. Instead, I asked what he meant. "He said, ´Well, nobody knows what´s going on anymore. We haven´t had a staff meeting in weeks.´ I realized that lack of communication was what he was upset about, so we talked about how to keep everyone informed instead of whether or not I was a good supervisor." / Ignorant Vs. Informed? "Behind every argument lies someone´s ignorance." -Louis D. Brandeis./ A friend called a while back to say thanks. "My six-year-old marched up to me and announced he hated me and wished I wasn´t his mother. I was so hurt. My first thought was ´You ungrateful child, how can you say that to me after all I´ve done for you?´ I realized that wouldn´t help and remembered your suggestion to answer accusations with a question. So I asked "What do you mean." "He sobbed, ´All my friends get to stay overnight at the slumber party, and I have to come home. It´s not fair.´ Having uncovered the real reason he was upset, I was able to clarify that the reason he couldn´t sleep over was that we needed to leave early the next morning for his hockey game. Those four words kept me from putting my foot in my mouth and helped us have a decent discussion instead of my blindly reaction to his hurting comment."/ Seek the Source Vs. React to the Surface: "Ignorance is a voluntary misfortune." -Anonymous / The following anecdote gives further insight into why it´s important to uncover what´s causing a troublesome situation./ A schoolteacher walked into her classroom after a rainy weekend and discovered a puddle of water in the middle of the floor. She called the janitor and told him what was wrong. He came and mopped up the puddle. The next morning the scenario was repeated./ When the teacher walked in the third day to find yet another puddle, she called the head custodian and explained, "This is the third day in a row this has happened. Could you please come and take care of it?"/ When the wizened maintenance supervisor showed up a few minutes later, he didn´t even have a mop. The teacher asked with a puzzled look, "How are you going to mop up the puddle?" He replied, "I´m not. I´m going to fix the leak." / Too often when someone says or does something unfair or unkind, people "mop up the puddle." They react to what´s happened on the surface instead of seeking the source of the problem and repairing that./ Read Their Mind: "Tact is, after all, a kind of mind-reading." -Sarah Orne Jewett / Several years ago, I attended a wedding rehearsal. In the middle of the practice procession down the aisle, the five-year-old flower girl threw a tantrum and refused to continue. The mother took her daughter outside in an effort to discipline her./ They reentered the church a few minutes later only to have the child act up again. The embarrassed mother alternated between pleading for cooperation and issuing dire threats. Neither approach worked and the child continued to pout./ The bride and groom were running out of patience when the girl´s grandmother finally inquired, "Lisa, did you have a nap today?" The little girl shook her head. Aaaahhh! The real reason for her misbehavior. The older woman knew the obviously tired and overestimulated child needed sleep, not scolding. She gathered her granddaughter into her arms, took her to a pew in the back of the church, and sang her a soothing lullaby. The girl was asleep within minutes./ I felt fortunate to witness the grandmother´s wise handling of a tense situation. The mother was reacting to the behavior, frantically mopping up the puddle only to have it reappear. By "mindreading," being sensitive to what the little girl was feeling, the grandmother was able to figure out what was really going on and deal with it. It was a perfect example of someone who fixed the leak and eliminated the puddle./ What does this mean for you? If someone is misbehaving, you have a choice. You can complain or you can ask questions. You can often clarify the cause of the problem by putting the conversational ball back in their verbal court. "Why do you think that?" and "What do you mean?" are legitimate ways to identify the source of undesirable behavior, which can then be addressed./ [Action Plan for What to Say When You Don´t Know What To Say: Imagine you´ve had a hard day at work. All you can think about is coming home, kicking your shoes off, and relaxing in peace and quiet. As soon as you walk in the room, you can tell your spouse is upset. Over dinner you ask what´s wrong and she blurts out, "We never do anything fun anymore." This is the last thing you want to hear tonight, and you don´t know what to say. Words to Lose: You give an emotional denial (which may set up a "Yes we do/No we don´t argument). "We went to the county fair last weekend." Words to Use: You find out what´s really going on. "What do you mean?" / Words to Lose: You answer out of ignorance and respond immaturely. "We go out more than most couples." Words to Use: You take the intelligent option and seek information. "Why do you say that, hon?" / Words to Lose: You try to prove her wrong and engage in verbal warfare. "Didn´t I take you out to dinner and go to that movie you wanted to see?" Words to Use: You avoid a word war by not defending yourself. "What makes you think that?" / Words to Lose: You can reactto what´s happening on the surface and iss the point. "Listen, I work fifty hours a week. I don´t have the energy to go out and do stuff." Words to Use: You can seek the source of the ouburst and fix the leak. "So Barb and Bill are taking line dancing lessons, and..."] / Chapter 9 - Find Solutions, Not Fault "Our task is not to fix the blame for the past, but to fix the course for the future." -John F. Kennedy / Have you ever been part of a group discussion that deteriorated into name-calling and fault-finding? Not pleasant, is it?/ A woman said she had been in the middle of a blaming free-for-all the day before. "We were in our monthly staff meeting and our boss asked for the budget reports. Our accountant grimaced and reluctantly confessed he didn´t have them. Our CEO demanded to know why. "The accountant claimed it wasn´t his fault; the marketing division hadn´t submitted their final figures. The marketing director objected that he wasn´t the one who had held things up; he´d been waiting for the forecasts and they´d been sitting in data processing for a week. The DP rep said she had just received the paperwork a couple of days before, and hadn´t been able to sign off on the numbers because her supervisor was out of town... and back and forth they went." Halt Hostilities With This Hand Gesture "See problems as holes in the ground. You can dig deeper, or you can break new ground." - Anonymous./ From this day forward, understand that arguments have no constructive value. If you find yourself in a war of words, put your hand up (with fingers pointing skyward, palm facing forward) and stop what´s happening with the sentence "Let´s not do this." / Why use a hand gesture? It is the most effective way to get attention. If everyone is talking at once, no one can hear the voice of reason. Holding a hand as a police officer would to stop traffic is a universally understood signal to cease and desist Athletes can probably think of an alternate signal used in the sports world to stop unruly behavior. The T sign coaches and team captains use to call for a time-out is another way to stop the action./ Move the group onto higher ground by focusing on solutions. Say, "We could spend the rest of the afternoon arguing about why this wasn´t completed, but that won´t help us get the budget reports done on time. Instead, let´s focus on how we´re going to finish these today." / A city councilman said, "Normally I agree with this, but aren´t there times you have to assess blame? Our county recently went through an embarrassing financial scandal. If we don´t indicate who is responsible for embezzling the funds, we´ll all take the fall." This public official had brought up an important point In some litigious professions, you need to be cautious about indirectly accepting blame so you don´t open yourself to lawsuits (Tongue Sue!). If you´re in this situation, be sure to indicate that you are being forced to point the finger and that it is not your normal style. You can say, "I wish I didn´t have to do this because I don´t like to operate this way. Yet these unfortunate circumstances demand that we name the individual responsible for these illegal deeds so he will be held accountable for his actions. Then I want to focus on how we can keep this from happening again so we can reestablish a reputation of integrity." / Punish The Past Vs. Profit From It: "The ultimate in wisdom is to live in the present, plan for the future, and profit from the past." -Anonymous./ Arguments are a waste of time because you can´t change the past, you can only learn from it. From this day forward, as soon as people start quarreling, put your hand up and say, "This won´t help." Halt the hostilities before they produce casualties. Point out that verbally pummeling each other serves no good purpose; a more producitve use of time is to focus on how to accomplish the original objective. Move the group from a "Who did it?" frame of mind to an action-oriented "What can we do about it?" attitude./ A former program attendee reported she´d put this idea into practice with great results. When she and her family walked into practice with great results. When she and her family walked into their home after returning from spring vacation, they were met by a terrible odor. They finally discovered the source of the smell in the kitchen. Someone had left the refrigerator door wide open and all the food had spoiled./ Her husband demanded, "Who was the last person in the refrigerator?" and the blaming began. "You were the one who fixed a sandwich for the road." "That was before we even left. You were the one who came back in for a soda." "It wasn´t me. I wasn´t the last one out of the house." Everyone was accusing someone else of being the guilty party./ "Finally," the woman said, "I remembered your technique for putting the past in the past. I raised my hand and shouted. ´Time out´!´ Then I calmly stated. ´This doesn´t help. We could argue until the cows come home about who left the door open, and it won´t get this kitchen cleaned up, Instead, let´s all pitch in and take care of this mess. When we´re finished, we´ll figure out a system so when we leave for a trip, someone´s in charge of going around to make sure everything is closed up and shut off."/ Act As a Verbal Traffic Cop: "The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it." - Dale Carnegie / A participant added this image of how to avoid arguments. "It sounds as if we should act as verbal traffic cops. If people are about to have a communication crash, we´re supposed to stop them before they collide in a wreck of rhetoric." That´s true. When a discussion has deteriorated into a heated debate, the participants are headed for hurt. You may be an innocent bystander, however, it´s to everyone´s benefit for you to prevent the collision./ The key to doing this properly -so that you don´t offend anyone- is to use the word us or we. Your use of the word you ("You guys cut this out" or "Why don´t you stop passing the buck?") might embarrass the participants in front of their peers and give the impression that you are arrogantly separating yourself from them. By using such collective words as Let´s or We´ll, you are acting in the obvious best interests of the group. They will appreciate your intervening on their behalf./ Move From Reasons To Results: "At the moment of truth, there are either reasons or results." Glenda, a wise preschool teacher, taught me that my well-intentioned efforts to resolve my son´s squabbles were instead rewarding them. The more often I mediated their disagreements, the more quarrels they had. Why? Their altercations received a lot of attention from Mom. My sons had done a very good job of teaching me how to behave! / Glenda helped me realize that the attempt to find out who is responsible backfires by setting up a victim-and-tattletale syndrome. Digging for details encourages rather than eliminates this unhealthy setup. If kids start fighting, Glenda holds her hand up and asks the student involved to "make silence." "Make silence" is a much more effective command than "Stop talking" because it clearly indicates what the childre are to do and imprints the desired behavior. Glenda then separates the children who were fighting, explains their behavior is not appropriate, and asks them to play by themselves until they are ready to treat each other with respect./ Many parents complain in my Tongue Fu! workshops that they have to say things three or four times before their children listen. Parents can reverse the sad state of affairs by not repeating themselves. Say, "Children, give me your eyes," which is more compelling and specific than the abstract "pay attention." Pause until everyone is quiet and looking at you, and then state in a firm voice, "I will say this once. Share the toys or they will be put away. Now give each other some space and play like friends." If a child pipes up with, "But that´s not fair. He...," raise your eyebrows, not your voice. Simply put your hand up and open your eyes wide as if to say, "You really don´t want to do this, do you?" That is usally enough to let children know you mean what you say. Your refusal to dwell on wy a fight started shows children that actions, not excuses, are valued./ Sibling Rivalry Vs. Sibling Revelry: "Do you expect your children to get along, or do you hope they will?" / One happy mother wrote to say she had used this technique to turn her daughters´ sibling rivalry into sibling revelry. She said, "My girls used to snipe at each other constantly. I tried to referee their catfights, but instead of making things better, they would get mad at me for taking the other one´s side./ "the day after your workshop I called a family conference and explained I would no longer tolerate their senseless squabbles. I used your quote about finding solutions instead of fault, and explained that any time they started in on each other, I was going to stop them. At that point, they would have a choice; they could separate and go somewhere else, or they could focus on what they wanted from each other instead of what they didn´t want. "Of course they tested me. The next day, my youngest daughter threw a fit because her sister had worn her skirt without asking. My older girl accused her sibling of taking her favorite sweater to school, and they were off to the verbal races./ "I put my hand up and said, ´Girls...´ Do you know I didn´t have to say anything else? Without further prompting, they abandoned their bickering and set up rules about when it was okay to borrow clothes. Holding my hand up was all it took to remind them of our commitment to focus on results, not reasons./ Are you thinking, "I don´t have children, so this doesn´t apply to me?" A variation of this technique works with people of all ages. Understand that if you try to mediate between two friends who are on the outs, you may end up between the proverbial rock and hard place. Rather than getting drawn into who did what to whom, do everyone a favor and help them shelve the squabble. Put your hand up and say, "Hey, it´s over. Let´s not spoil our time together by rehashing old news." If you can, get everyone up and out of that room so they can literally figuratively move and put it behind them./ Action Plan for Finding Solutions, Not Fault: You are at the store buying groceries. After ringing up your cartload of purchases, the cashier says your credit card has been refused. Yu didn´t bring any checks or cash, so the store manager makes you return the food to the shelves. You are angry at your spouse for not paying the bills as promised and for putting you in this embarrasing position. What do you do? Words to Lose: You focus on the past and what went wrong, which serves no good purpose. "Why didn´t you pay the bills like you said you were going to?" Words to Use: You focus on the future and how to make it right -which has a constructive value. "Can you pay our Visa account today so I can use our card?" / Words to Lose: You dwell on excuses: why didn´t he pay the bills? "What do you mean, you didn´t have time? You should have mailed them last week." Words to Use: You turn your attention to what can be done from now on. "In the future, if we´re going to be late paying bills, could you tell me so I don´t use our credit card?" / Words to Lose: You bicker back and forth about who is to blame. "It´s your fault I was humiliated in front of everyone at the store. How can you say I should have checked with you first? How was I supposed to know?" Words to Use: You halt hostilities by putting a hand up and saying, "Let´s not do this." "Blaming each other won´t help. Instead, let´s focus on how we can make sure nothing like this happens again."/ Words to Lose: You argue about the reasons for the misbehavior. "It doesn´t matter if youpve been busy at work. That´s no exuse." Words to Use: You discuss the results and desired behavior you both want. "We´re on the same side. We both want to keep our account up-to-date."] // Part II - Words to Lose, Words to Use: While renting a car recently, I watched a situation that dramatically illustrates the damage that can be caused by the first Word to Lose. A woman approached the rental agent and said, "I´m Evelyn Jones and I´ve reserved a Ford Mustang." The employees checked his records and said, "Oh yes, Mrs. Jones, we have your reservation right here." Then, his voice faltering, he added, "But we don´t have any Ford mustangs left." The woman frowned. "How can this be? I phoned several weeks ago to reserve a Mustang." The agent replied, "I see that you did, but we rented them all out this morning." His customer was not happy. "I don´t understand. I took the time to call. You said you´d save one for me." "I know, but we had a new employee on the desk this morning, and she forgot to read the save list." When I left, they were still arguing. Why? The car rental agent kept using the word but, a word that negates what´s just been said and sets up an adversarial relationship. But acts as a verbal hammer and turns discussions into debates./ Connecting vs. Canceling Statements: "You can´t build a relationship with a hammer." Would you like to know how to construct a wonderful conversation peace= From this day forth, use the constructive word and instead of the destructive word but. The beauty of this word is that it builds on, rather than blocks out, what has just been said. It advances discussions rather than anchoring them in argument./ The agent could have graciously expedited the transaction if he had said, "You´re right Mrs. Jones, you did reserve a Ford Mustang, and I´m sorry we don´t have one available, and I´d like tu opgrade you to a higher model..." / Think about it. Doesn´t the word but often precede negative news? You did a nice job on this but..." "I know we said it would take only fifteen minutes, but..." The word evokes an uh-oh response because listeners know they´re about to hear something they´d rather not. "I realize how much you need this loan, but..." means "You´re not getting the loan." People disregard whatever goes before a but because they know that what follows the word is what´s going to have an impact on them./ The word and lets both statements stand, even if they are diametrically opposed to one another. "You did a nice job on this, and could you please add a sentence asking them if they could..." "I know I said it would take only fifteen minutes, and I´m sorry it´s taking longer. Our computers will be back on line shortly, and then we can..." "I would like to grant your loan request, and if you could provide tax records of..." / But Erases, And Acknowledges: "Of course I´m yelling. That´s because I´m wrong.!" This quote could be modified to read, "Of course I´m yelling. That´s because you´re making me wrong!" The word but minimizes the importance of what someone has just said. "That´s a good point, but..." is essentially saying "You´re in error." The person who has just had his statement discounted is likely to protest./ An English teacher wrote to say what a startling discovery this was for her: I´ve been an educator for twenty years. I´ve always thought and taught that the word "but" is a conjunction that joins sentences or phrases. You showed me it doesn´t join sentences, it jars sentences. I looked up the word "jar" and it means a "state of discord or conflict." "But" doesn´t connect statements, it sets up a conflict between them because it doesn´t give equal value to what´s said before and after it. My classes studies how this word is used and they all came to the same conclusion... "but" means bad news. "I know you want to use the car, but ..." "I´d like to add you to the team, but ...," "You almost passed the test, but..." "I want to go to the prom with you, but... " & My students and I have resolved to get rid of the "Bado New But." I brought this up to my fellow teachers at our weekly meeting and they´ve all agreed to change their curriculum to reflect ths "revolutionary insight. It´s clear to me that our mandate to teach language goes beyond spelling, pronunciation, and grammar. It also includes selecting words that support rather than sabotage our efforts to communicate constructively./ Differences of Opinion vs. Debates: "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time." A variation on this observation is that the test of a first-rate relationship is the ability of the people involved to hold opposing ideas at the same time without becoming opponents. It can be done as long as the couples uses the word and. As soon as one person uses the word but, the implication is "my way is better than your way, and your way is wrong."/ I sometimes ask participants in my workshops to pair off, with one partner taking the position that being single is best and the other maintaining that marriage is the only way to go. I ask them to discuss the ideal status with each trying to convince the other to change his mind. A tipical conversation runs like this: "How can you even think of living with te same person all the time? That´s so boring. When you´re single you have the freedom to got where you want when you want whit whoever you want." "Yeah, but that gets old after a while. ´What´s really great is to know you´ve got someone who cares whether or not you com home at night." "But marriage means you´re trapped. If you want to get out, you´re locked into mortgages, bills, and alimony." "Maybe, but your yuppie lifestyle is so frivolous. There´s more to life than partying every night." After five minutes , I stop the exercise and ask participants for feedback. They usually observe that even though they were playing a role, they found themselves getting increasingly exasperated with their partner. Iask how often the word but came up. Many of them realize they employed it almost every time they spoke. Without being aware of it. They refuted what the other person said before offering their point of view. They realized that use of the word but sets up a Ping-Pong style of conversation in which neither person really listens./ I ask them to continue the discussion, substituting and for but. Without deliberately trying, they find their conversation becoming more courteous and less contentious. "You´re right, it is fun to be spontaneous and to do things on the spur of the moment, and it´s also nice to have children who think you are the greatest thing in the world." "I can understand the need to settle down and have more permanence in your life, and wouldn´t you prefer to be footloose and fancy-free?" / Participants are amazed at the difference. Instead of trying to make the other person "see the error of his ways," they start acknowledging and treatin other´s beliefs with respect./ If you´re having a disagreement with someone, you´re probably both using the word but. But perpetuates conflicts, and prevents them; but causes resentment, and creates rapport. From now on, use and to connect what´s being said and you´ll be able to discuss controversial ideas without having your conversation turn into a contest./ [Action Plan for Acknowledge, Don´t Argue: You want a dog, your partner doesn´t. This has become a heated issue for you, and you´ve decided to make an all-out effort to prove that having a pet would be a good idea. How do you handle the conversation? Words to Lose: You use a weapon word that triggers a negative reaction. "I know you don´t like pets, but I do" Words to Use: You use positive phrasing to keep the conversation constructive. "I realize you don´t want a dog, and it´s important to me." / Words to Lose: You use the word but which sets up an adversarial relationship. "You say you don´t want the hassle, but I´m the one who´s going to be responsible for him." Words to Use: You use the word and, which acknowledges your partner´s point of view. "I realize you don´t have the time to walk him, and I´ll take care of that." / Words to Lose: You continue to use the word but, which bogs the discussion down because it cancels what your partner is saying. "I hear what you´re saying, but I don´t see why you´re being so stubborn about this." Words to Use: You continue to use the word and, which moves the discussion along and connects what´s being said. " I understand how you feel, and I think we can work it so your concerns don´t materialize." / Words to Lose: You continue to use the word but, whic erases your partner´s point. "You say vet bills are expensive, but he´s not going to get sick, so stop worrying." Words to Use: You use the word and, which acknowledges your partner´s point. "I hear what you´re saying, and we´ll make sure he gets his shots so he stays healthy."] / "Mistakes Are Doorways To Discovery." -Tongue Fu´ism / Chapter 11 - Become a Coach, Not a Critic: What do you do when someone makes a mistake? Do you correct the person by telling her what she should have done? / Here´s a story illustrating the damaging impact of the word should, and the dramatic difference using an alternative can make./ My friend Charlie is the football coach at a local high school. Several years ago, his team was tied with another for the league championship. Their final game of the season was a cliff-hanger against the very team they were tied with. The score was 14-14 in the fourth quarter; Charlie´s team had the ball and was marching downfield. Their quarterback threw a long pass, and their best receiver (Charlie´s son, Johnny) was racing down the sidelines in perfect position to catch the throw./ Just before catching the ball, Johnny did something he´d been told a hundred times never to do: he glanced back over his shoulder to see how close the defender was. The football missed his outstrectched fingers and fell to the ground. The dismayed teenager trudged back to the bench, his head down and shoulders slumped./ Charlie was so caught up in the emotion of the game, he stoodover his son and shouted, "You idiot! You should have kept your eyes on the ball. What were you thinking? That was a touchdown pass. You had the game in your hands, and blew it." / He continued berating the boy until his dejected son could take no more. Johnny stood up to his dad and said defensively, "Get off my case, Dad. I didn´t mean to do it. I never want to play for you again." / The humiliated teen caught a ride home with a friend after the game and went directly upstairs to his room without speaking to his father./ Stop "Shoulding" on People: "Nothing is a waste of time if you use the waste of time if you use the experiment wisely." - Auguste Rodin. / Charlie called me the next morning to talk about what had happened. He said, "I know I just made matters worse. But what can you say when someone pulls such a dumb stunt?" / I asked Charlie, "Do you know anyone who can undo the past? If someone makes a mistake and we tell them what they did wrong they will resent us even if we´re right because they can´t do anything about it. / "Strike the word should from your vocabulary -it has little or no constructive value. You´ve heard the expression los face? Do you know what losing face is? It´s losing dignity. If we tell someone what they were sopposed to have done, they feel helpless because they can´t erase their error./ "When someone makes a mistake you can lash out or you can look for the lesson. Since your son can´t take back that missed pass, the only thing he can do is learn from it. Instead of obsessing about what happened and retreating or withdrawing, he can turn that embarrasing moment into a useful experience by extracting the valu en moving on." / I ran into Charlie weeks later and he reported that not only had he apologized to his son for blowing up at him, he had used that disappointing occurrence to shape his interactions with the rest of the team and with his family. "I realized that we all make mistakes and that your advice is the difference between being a coach and a critic. Now when someone does something wrong, I don´t scold them with the word should. I immediately suggest how they can do it right next time or from now on." / Look for the Lesson: "When you´re sad, learn something." - Merlin / Imagine someone says to you, "YOu should have completed this paperwork first." "You should have E-mailed that agenda to me." "You should have brought your car in earlier." / Do you feel as if you´re being reprimanded? This after-the-fact advice causes resentment because the person is verbally beating a dead horse. Even if what is being suggested is true, it´s tactless. The word should is the verbal equivalent of a parent shaking an index finger at a child for messing up./ Imagin how you would feel if instead of punishing you for the past, that person focused on the future. Imagine how you would respond if the person pointed out how you could keep the error from happening again, instead of penalizing you for erring in hte first place. "Next time, if you could please fill out the paperwork first, we can expedite your visit." "In th future, could you please E-mail the agendas to me in advance?" "From now on, if your oil light comes on, you might want to bring your car in so we can check it before your engine is damaged." / Shaming vs. Shaping Behavior: "The secret of education lies in respecting the pupil." - Ralph Waldo Emerson / A participant in one workshop commented, "I think this idea of coaching instead of censuring is an important quality of a leader.My first supervisor had a plaque above his desk that said, ALL EXPERIENCE IS EDUCATION FOR THE SOUL. He taught me to shape behavior rather than shame it. If my employees do something wrong, I askk what they are going to do about it now instead of dwelling on why they didn´t do what they were told to do./ "I had an opportunity to practice what I preach last week. A new employee misused one of our software programs and crashed our computer. It dropped our entire inventory. On top of that, she doubled the damage by not saving our files with backup discs. The shoulds were on the tip of my tongue: "You should have told us you didn´t know how to access that database," "You should have left the computer on when it bombed instead of shutting it down." / "Fortunately, my manager´s wise advice, "Shape, don´t shame," kept ringing in my head. Instead of ripping into her and making her feel worse, I asked what she had learned. She confessed shie didn´t understand how to use the computer, apologized for her costly mistake, and offered to do what she could to make amends. I said it wouldn´t do any good to ´cry over spilt records,´ and that a better use of our time was to focus on how we were going to retireve our files. "She came into my office later that day, thanked me for the way I had handled her blunder, and asked if she could attend training classes so she wouldn´t jeopardize our system again. She said, "If I had done something like this at my previous job, my boss would still be yelling at me. That´s one of the reasonos I left that company; I couldn´t take his abusive behavior anymore. Thank you for treating me like a human being.´" / "It is a common mistake to think failure is the enemy of success," noted Thomas J Watson, Sr. "Failure is a teacher -a harsh one, but the best. Pur failure to work for you." The next time you or someone around you makes a mistake, put it to work for you rather than letting it work against you. Turn traumatic events into teachers and you can emerge a better, rather than a bitter person./ [Action Plan for Becoming a Coach, Not a Critic: Your child brings his report card home. You´re shocked to see he has flunked math. You didn´t have any idea he was having trouble with the subject, and you´re concerend his failing grade will affect his college eligibility. How do you talk to your son about this? Words to Lose: You focus on the mistake and scold him for what he did wrong: "Why didn´t you tell me you were having problems with math? Words to Use: You focus on the lesson and ask how he can do it right. "What are you going to do to bring this grade up?" / Words to Lose: You use the word should and try to make him ashamed of his behavior. "You should have studied harder instead of watching so much TV." Words to Use: You use the words from now on and shape his behavior: "From now one, the TV doesn´t go on until homework is finished." / Words to Lose: Words to Use: / Words to Lose: Words to Use: ] //



PÁGINA 81 INICIO DE DONDE ESTA EL CIRCULO




"Is this the best you can do?"
When people are being difficult, it doesn´t help to get back, get mad, or get even.
Tongue Fu! is not just about handling unfair or unkind behavior. It´s more a philosophy of life, a way to communicate that can help you get along better with everyone both on and off the job. You´ll learn how to prevent conflicts and produce cooperation and how to choose to stay kind even if others are being inconsiderate or cruel.


TIMES NEW ROMAN 8 NORMAL